


After Angels Fell

by Listae



Category: Supernatural
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-09
Updated: 2013-12-09
Packaged: 2018-01-04 04:26:16
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 42,219
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1076515
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Listae/pseuds/Listae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After angels fell, Cas finds himself struggling through his new found human life. This is the story of that life, of his struggles and his affections and his new found personality told mainly through phone calls with Sam. In essence it's a slash Destiel story with strong Cas/Sam friendship and non-explicit Cas/OMC. AU after season 8 finale.<br/>SPOILERS: pretty much seasons 3 - 8, including finale of season 8.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

"No, oh please, no…" I choke out as I see them fall. "No, no, no, no…"

3 months after angels fell

I think I'm adjusting fairly well, considering all things. It's must be much easier for me than for majority of my siblings because I've spent enough time on Earth before. I haven't been so human before, but at least I do know I have no human skills, I'm completely inept at recognizing jokes or references and my sense of humor is barely understood by anyone. Granted, the jokes I make, and I don't make many of them to begin with, sound much better in Enochian, but I wish people I start to consider friends would get them.

So friends. Yes, I didn't expect that to happen. I mean the Winchesters kept telling me I'm hopeless when it comes to human interaction and it's not that they've been wrong, but somehow I managed to make friends. Well, acquaintances really, but I'm fairly certain they are bordering friends now. I work with them and that's also new – I actually have a job. I'm truly very proud of my job, because if I'm honest, and that's increasingly rare trait of mine given how much I have to lie, I have almost no skills that could be useful in this human life I now lead. Except that I have more knowledge than any human can hope to posses. And so I work at the library and I specialize on ancient works of Latin and Greek philosophers. I've read and know all of them by heart, so really – my job is piece of cake, or is it pie?

Anyway, I also have a place to live, which I have to admit, was really hard to get. I was fortunate enough to have kept the documents Dean got me a lifetime ago, so in my first days of the human life, I at least was able to get a motel room. It did cause a problem, because money ran out soon… But the documents helped me get a job and eventually I managed to rent this studio apartment I live in. It's small and only has a bed and a stove, but I don't really need anything else right now and I am almost giddy with joy to have made it this far on my own, to have managed to survive.

Right, so I've got a job now, I have friends – well, almost – and I have place I can call home. So all things considering, I'm adjusting really well. Except where I can't sleep through the night without having nightmares that make me scream myself awake. Or except where sometimes I feel so alone I want to scream. Or except where sometimes I have to almost physically restrain myself from calling Dean. And except that I still think about him every single day… So yes, all good and shiny on this side of humanity!

I like working at the library because first and foremost it's quiet. There's very little human interaction there and people that do want to speak to me about philosophers are rather inept at social behavior themselves, so all in all I fit right in. Today is one of those extremely quiet days – I haven't been spoken to once and I can concentrate on the translations I do. My colleagues – friends maybe – Allie and Jake are on lunch so I'm all on my own here. But there's very little to do this time of a day. There are few visitors reading silently and another few browsing the shelves. All in all it's calm and quiet so I go to put some of the returned books back on the shelves. I'm almost finishing up when the bell on the reception desk jingles silently.

I put the books down and poke my head out to see who's there. I meet his eyes and we both freeze for a second.

"Sam?" I mutter. I haven't seen him since that horrible day of course. I stare at him and I'm relieved. He looks so much better than the last time I saw him. He looks healthy at last. I've been worried about him, countless times I thought about calling him just to check if he's alright. I never did though.

"Castiel?" He's incredulous, wide eyed stare makes me uncomfortable. And that's saying something, because usually it's me giving the stare.

I walk towards him and I raise my hand to shake his. He looks at my hand for a second as if he's surprised or unsure, but then he steps around it and pulls me into a hug.

"You're alive!" He almost shouts hugging me and instinctively I shush him.

"Sam, we're in a library, be quiet."

He chuckles silently releasing me, but he still stares at me.

"You're alive…"

"Yes, I suppose I am." I tell him and move behind the desk. "You look good. Really much better than the last time… Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I'm good, I'm good." He says dismissively. "What are you… Why didn't you… I mean… What?"

"Sam, you're not making sense."

"There are just too many questions I want to ask." He says and starts again. "What are you doing here? Why didn't you find us? What's happening?"

I smile at him trying to pull myself together.

"I work here. I didn't find you because I saw no reason for that. There's nothing happening in particular, unless you want to clarify this question."

"Wait, wait... You saw no reason to find us?"

"Yes, I saw no reason to find you. I'm human now. Well almost." I tell him silently.

"But… I don't get it. Why didn't you see a reason to find us?" He looks at me bewildered.

"I'm human now." I repeat.

"So?"

"Well what purpose human I could serve the Winchesters?" I ask him evenly. I've been through this in my mind countless times. I was useless to them in this state, I was liability, a burden I didn't wish to bestow upon them.

"What purpose? Are you kidding me? Cas, do you realize we've been looking for you?"

"No, I didn't know you were. Was there something you wanted?"

"Cas, this is getting bizarre. It's almost as if we're speaking different languages. After, you know, they fell," he looks around to make sure no one's listening to us, "Dean and I stayed at that church for couple of days waiting for you to find us or to call us. When you didn't we went around looking for you, asking questions, you know, just searching. Dean was going crazy – you know how he is when something happens to us. "

That's… surprising to say the least. I wasn't expecting that – I never even considered the possibility that they would be looking for me. Why would they? I mean I said my good byes to Dean, what reason might he have had to look for me? He must've known I was human – they saw my brothers fall. I tilt my head at him.

"I'm sorry Sam, but I don't understand. Why would you be looking for me? There's really very little I can do for you now."

"Jesus freakin'…" He growls and I see he's trying to compose himself. "We weren't looking for you so you can help us. We were looking for you so we can help you."

I shouldn't be surprised, but it actually startles me how angry I am at that.

"I do not require help, Sam." I hiss. "I can handle my so called humanity just fine."

He almost recoils at the venom in my voice.

"Come on, Cas. I didn't mean it like that – sure you can handle it. We just… I mean, you're family."

"Don't." I stop him. I can't handle this family nonsense anymore. It's over, I won't let myself believe it again. "I am not your family. I have nothing to give to you two anymore, there's no need for this drivel."

"Cas…"

"Stop it Sam. Is there something you wanted in this library?"

"Come on!"

"Just drop it. I'm not interested in talking about any of this anymore. If you need something here, just let me know."

"Fine. You don't want to talk to me, I'm sure Dean will get you talking. After he gets over of how pissed he is at you." Sam glares at me and I shudder. Dammit, I don't want to see Dean. I don't want to talk to him and I sure can do without him judging and yelling at me – I think I got enough of it to last me a lifetime, especially such a short lifetime I seem to be getting.

"Sam…" I start slowly. I have to convince him no matter what. "You can't tell Dean I'm here."

"What? You're kidding me, right?"

"No. You can't tell him I'm here. I don't want him to come here."

"I'm sorry Cas, but I sure as hell am telling Dean where you are. He's been horrible ever since he realized you weren't coming and what that meant. He drinks more than ever and he barely ever sleeps. I mean come on, it's just as it was after the leviathans when we thought you were dead."

"Sam, I'm sure Dean's moods have nothing to do with me. He was absolutely fine when I told him I was leaving. I've died enough times for him to get over it. And really, I just don't want to be dragged back to all this. I have a shot at life now, please, please don't tell him I'm here. You had a shot at life and Dean's had his and this is mine. I don't want to lose this, please…"

"For crying out loud, I can't keep this from him. He'd kill me!"

"Look, if you really think he cares if I'm alive then tell him I called you and, I don't know, refused to tell you where I was, but just wanted you to know I was alive. Please, don't tell him where I am." I almost beg now.

"Why? Why don't you want to see him? I mean you were always around back then… What's happened?"

"I made mistakes…" I tell him silently. "Last and apparently unforgivable was outliving my usefulness."

"What are you talking about?"

"Dean was willing to forgive and forget whatever I did – and let's face it, I did a lot of horrible things, unforgivable things – as long as I could help… well, you. There were two times I couldn't – once in hypothetical 2014 were I was just as useless as I am now, more so maybe… Dean sent me to die in an attempt to save you. An attempt he knew was vain. The second time was your trial. I couldn't save you and so when I told Dean I was going to almost surely die saving the remains of my family, he was just fine with it. So really Sam, whatever turmoil is Dean in, I'm really sorry about it, but it has nothing to do with me. I don't even see a point of telling him I'm alive, but if you think he'd like to know – by all means. I just don't want to see him again. If you insist on telling him, I'll have to leave and start again and I really don't want to leave my life here. I have decent life here…"

"You… You think Dean doesn't care." Sam finally mutters.

"No, I know he doesn't and I sure as hell won't be a burden to anyone, least of all your brother. Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful for all he's done for me. There are things I'd never be able repay him for, but now I don't even have a way of repaying him. I know he thinks he's responsible for everything and he would try to help me, same as he did in Purgatory, but I don't want him to feel he has to. I just don't need help and I want to live my life on my own. Please don't tell him I'm here. I will leave if you do and I really don't want to do that. Sam, even though he never wanted or intended it, Dean was the end of my celestial life. I don't blame him or anything, that's just a fact. So now, I will do whatever it takes for him not to be the end of my human life. This is my choice, my free will and I choose not to see him again. Please, don't tell him."

"He's gonna kill me…"

"You won't?" I ask hopefully. I really, really can't see him. Not now, when it still so fresh, when I know I'd fall right back into the whole mess and jumble of my misplaced affection.

"I won't… I think you're wrong though, for what it's worth. I don't know what happened when you said you'd leave, but I assume he was just freaking out about me, as always. You know Dean, he's sometimes so single minded it's absurd. He did a fair bit of freaking out when you didn't return though… You should've seen him, Cas. And as for 2014, you can't really hold it against him, man. Dean didn't do that, it was a broken version of him, a version that he is not. Dammit Cas, you're family…"

"Stop. Don't." I shake my head. "Thank you Sam. I really appreciate you agreeing to this. Anyway, I assume you're in a library because you're working on a case? What are you looking for?"

"Yeah, there's this sign we found carved on a man's chest couple of days ago. From the look of it, he was sacrificed, but I've never seen the sign like that so you know, I have to hit the books." He smiles.

"Show me the sign." I tell him. Honestly, I know the majority of the books by heart, if I hadn't seen it, it's no use looking for it here.

Sam pulls out his phone and shows me the photo. From the first glance at it I know it looks familiar, but it takes me couple of seconds to remember. I haven't seen this in centuries, millennia even.

"It's the sign of Nammu. She was a Sumerian goddess of primeval sea who gave birth to gods. She was the most powerful, most loved and feared in Mesopotamia, until Enki took over. She was lethal and she was glorious until she was no more. I have no idea why this man was sacrificed, but Nammu hasn't been seen in millennia. If someone is trying to resurrect her, then you're in trouble, because with no angels left and Lucifer having killed the pagan gods, there's no one who would equal her power."

"Dammit, why is it always like that? Why is it never salt-n-burn anymore?" Sam complains and I agree wholeheartedly. Nammu was vicious and I certainly wouldn't want to stand in her way. "Thanks anyway, man. You saved me like two days of research."

"No problem, happy to help the Winchesters." I deadpan and he looks at me curiously.

"You know what, Sam," I say suddenly surprising even myself, "how about I give you my number – you call me if you're stuck on something. Apparently I still can help and I have a lot to atone and to repay for."

I give him my number and then I can't help but ask. I know I shouldn't, I really, really shouldn't, but I ask anyway.

"How is he?"

He looks at me for a long while and then sighs.

"He's miserable. He's trying to pull it together and be strong, but he's just not… He drinks too much. He doesn't talk to me and glares at me when I try to. He's a mess and when I ask what's wrong, he just says he's fine. Cas, I know it's about you, ok? I just know."

"No." I shake my head. "You've got to help him, Sam. He gave everything and will give everything for you. Don't leave him."

"I would never…"

"Yes you would." I cut him off. "You have left him before and he's not good at letting you go. You can't leave him now. There's no Bobby and no Lisa anymore. You've got to take care of him."

"He's my brother Cas, I will take care of him."

"Ok, good." I nod and the relief I feel frightens me. No, I really can't see him. "Look, I've got some work to do, so if you don't mind…"

"No, it's ok." He nods and then unexpectedly hugs me again. "I'm really happy you're alive Cas. You might not believe this, but you are a family."

"Thanks Sam." I pat his back awkwardly. Honestly, I don't understand how 'personal space' is so important, but hugging is acceptable. "It was nice to see you again. And you do look much better."

He releases me and I add. "You should get a haircut though."

He laughs silently and leaves.


	2. Chapter 2

"Ok, so this Nammu… I've looked everywhere, there's nothing on it. How do you resurrect a goddess that had been dead for centuries?" Sam asks me exasperated. This is the first time he called me and I take it he really is desperate.  
"Millennia." I correct him. "I don't think it's ever been done, but Nammu was a primeval goddess, the goddess of the ocean of all things sacred. It has to be related to the water. Try looking for any resurrected deity. Also look for the sea of all beings. There was a scroll in the great library in Alexandria once that definitely had something about the sea of beings, but I didn't read it, just saw it in passing. Perhaps the scroll can be found?"  
"Right, because I sure can find Sumerian scroll in public library!" He scowls and I roll my eyes.  
"Sam, there might be transcripts. Maybe reach out to university professor or something. You're good at research, you'll manage."  
"Yeah, yeah… I just hoped you knew something."  
"Sorry."  
"Nah, it was a long shot. Anyway, how've you been?"  
"I'm alright. I got my driving license last week. I'm fully certified to move 60 miles an hour! Such an achievement when you think of it… I used to be able fly hundreds of miles in the tenths of the second, but hey, now I can do 60 an hour!"  
Sam chuckles.  
"Why'd you get it if you're so pissed about it?"  
"Well, it is an improvement – I can only jog like 7 miles an hour or something. I'm almost ten times faster now."  
"Ok, so along the way you picked up sarcasm somewhere?"  
"There was a void my grace left – turns out sarcasm grows plenty fine in the place of former grace! I'm both terrified and excited to see what will come of it in time."  
"Terrified is the right word."  
"So, how are you? All good?" I ask and dammit if I don't hope he'd tell me about Dean as well.  
"Yeah, I'm ok." He says. "Dean's fine too, or so he says."  
My breath hitches but I keep my voice calm.  
"Good to hear."  
"He's pissed at you though." Sam continues.  
"I take it you told him I called?"  
"Yep." Sam agrees and I wait. "He didn't seem impressed."  
I flinch at that, but I still don't let it show in my voice.  
"Didn't get the reaction you were expecting?" I ask casually. "I told you I wasn't the reason for his state. Good we cleared that up."  
"No, you don't get it. It was as if… Well he was pretty much speechless. He asked 'he called you? You?' couple of times and then just stop talking altogether. He's pissed Cas."  
"I'm sure he's fine. You two have a tendency to worry too much."  
"You didn't see him. It reminded me of the time I told him and dad I was leaving for Stanford. Dad yelled and said things I'm never gonna be able to forget, but Dean… He just shut up and didn't say a word. This is how he deals."  
"Sam, I know Dean cares for you very much, I'm sure it had been hard on him when you left, but Dean I remember would really yell and shout if he didn't like something I did. I'm not you Sam and it's ridiculous you think he'd ever react to me leaving the same way he reacted to you."  
"I don't know. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm seeing things. I mean it's not like you two were very friendly by the end anyway."  
"Now you're talking!" I grin, but it still hurts. I don't have hopes, not for a long time, but those human emotions seem to cling like mad.  
"Anyway, later he asked for your number, but I said it was blocked. So now in my phone you're Tim. Just in case."  
"Tim?" I laugh. "You couldn't have picked something more suitable?"  
"Well what do you want me to call you?"  
"Hmmm, I would've thought you'd go for Jimmy."  
"You're not Jimmy."  
"I'm not Tim as well." I chuckle. "It doesn't matter really, but Tim sounds… Very salespersonish."  
"That's not a word, Cas!" He laughs. "And how would you know what salespersonish sounds like?"  
"I've been watching a lot of TV lately. Speeds up the education and doesn't leave me hanging trying to get the references my friends are making."  
"So you get educated by TV? Not very mature, sane or healthy thing to do!"  
"So you agree it's very human then?" I laugh and he laughs too.  
"Just don't you get into the Kardashian thing!"  
"No, I tried to watch it, but honestly I can only take so much. Teen moms make me die inside too. Oh and that horrible, horrible show about people who do nothing except getting drunk, tanned and ridiculous. Is this the humanity we fought for?"  
Sam laughs hard and long at that.  
"Reality TV is probably not the best thing to reestablish your faith in humanity." He finally chokes out.  
"No, it really isn't. Ironic, given it's called reality TV…"  
"Yeah… I could suggest watching porn, seems to help Dean a lot."  
"Hmm… Probably not the best choice for reference education, but I remember enjoying some pizza man action. Most instructive!"  
Sam laughs again.  
"Man, human you is a lot less grumpy than angel you."  
"Ah, that's because I finally pulled the stick out of my ass." I tell him seriously. "Apparently it lightens you up considerably."  
"Shit, I gotta go, Dean pulling up. I'll call you some time, Tim. Take care."  
I chuckle as I hang up the phone.  
5 months after angels fell  
"So, did you find anything?" I ask Sam. He's been calling me every Thursday for the last month. I think it's his 'call Cas day'. Must be easy to remember since I am an angel of Thursday. Well, I was anyway. A bit disturbing he had to go to such lengths to remember to call – sign of Alzheimer maybe?  
"Yeah, I got that book you mentioned last time, on Mesopotamian deities. Went through all of it. Not much of Nammu in it though, mostly it's about Enki."  
"Yes, I know, but it's the most accurate there is on Mesopotamian religion. I thought it'd be good for you to get acquainted to it, especially the relationships of the deities."  
"I figured. Anyway, I can't say it was too useful – there's nothing on resurrection. And in the mean time, there had been another murder. Just like the first one, the same sign carved into the flesh of the victim."  
"Sorry to hear that. I have requested some information from the University of California. From what I've heard they have the best history programs in African and Asian history and Jake actually knows a professor there. So I asked Jake to introduce me and then I asked Professor Burnes if he could advise where I could find the most reliable information on Nammu. I'll let you know when he replies."  
"Thanks, man! That'd help a lot… I mean this Nammu is freakin' impossible to investigate. You don't remember anything else, do you?"  
"You ask me the same question every time you call. Do you forget the answer, or do you enjoy being the pain in the ass?" I ask him and he huffs an exasperated laugh. "Anyway, what's up with you? All good?"  
"Yeah, we're ok. Being busy with this Nammu case, that's all. We're at Bobby's now. Dean's working on some cars; I think it's helping him relax. Still drinking and sleeping around too much… And he's hiding something. I don't think it's anything huge, but there's something he doesn't want me to know."  
"Did you ask him?"  
"Sure, but he says it's nothing, he's just looking for some information. I don't know man, it seems it's all his doing, looking for something and it's sure as hell isn't Nammu."  
"Just give him some space Sam. You know Dean, he doesn't like to be pushed. He'll tell you when he's ready and for now just… let him breathe a little."  
"Yeah, you're probably right." Sam sighs. "He asked about you. Asked if you haven't called back."  
"What did you tell him?" I ask him after a beat. I manage to pull myself together impressively quickly lately.  
"I said you didn't. It sucks to lie to him though. I wish you came clean Cas."  
"I can't Sam. Not yet anyway, I still need some space and some time."  
"Yeah, yeah… I'm so dead when he finds out…"  
"He won't, you worry too much. Besides if he does find out, it's me who's going to end up dead, not you. That brother of yours has a bit of the temper."  
"Now more than ever. He snaps at me for every little thing, freakin' impossible to be around him anymore."  
"Get another case, Sam. There's nothing that helps Dean more than doing something, saving someone. This Nammu thing is proving to be long term and your brother needs to be busy. Save some people and he'll lighten up. And for crying out loud, buy him some pie – you might actually get a smile out of him."  
"You seem to have a hang on what makes my brother happy…" He teases.  
"I'm observant. Plus he kind of told me as much himself back when I was falling. He actually thinks alcohol and sex help him, but it's really getting the job done, getting some pie and having you around."  
"And you."  
"Don't start Sam. We've been through this – it has nothing to do with me."  
"Fine, fine. So what's up with you?"  
"Nothing much, I suppose. I think Allie got herself a new crush. She met some guy at a party and now won't shut up talking about him. Drives me insane. From what I gathered the dude shits rainbows and daisies while riding his motorcycle."  
Sam laughs at that.  
"Jealous much?"  
"Jealous? About what?" I'm puzzled.  
"Sounds to me you might have a thing for Allie."  
"You're insane." I chuckle. "Allie's friend. Jake might have a thing for her though – he turns bright green anytime Allie is talking about her oh so wonderful guy. I don't think they've even been on a date yet… That's so annoying!"  
"And have you met the guy? Is he really shitting rainbows and stuff?"  
"No, I haven't seen him yet. Not in a hurry to meet him too, I mean he just sounds too good to be true. I bet he's just a jerk with a good story. Anyway, Allie's crazy about him now so hopefully he turns out alright."  
"Well and what about you? You know, have you met someone maybe?"  
"I meet a lot of people Sam, you have to be more specific than that." I tell him and I can almost hear the eye roll.  
"For crying out loud – girls, dates, anything?"  
"I don't date."  
"Millennia old virgin." He scoffs and I laugh.  
"You're wrong on both accounts. I'm older than thousands of years and I'm not a virgin."  
"Wait, what?!"  
"Sam, I really am very old. Your human mind can never grasp the concept of so much time – it's immeasurable, incomparable and ultimately incomprehensible for a human mind."  
"Jesus freakin'…" He starts and stops again. I can't help laughing at that. "The other part Cas! The non virgin part!"  
"Oh that. Yes, well I was curious and I remembered Dean telling me it would be the best experience… So yes."  
"One night stand? A hooker?"  
"She was not a hooker. Not technically one night stand, because there was no overnight stay involved. One time thing fits the best I suppose."  
"And?"  
"And Dean was right – it was most pleasurable." And it really was. Such a distraction, when you think of it. No wonder this is how Dean's dealing with things – it really is a good way of forgetting everything. I suppose alcohol and drugs would do too, but I don't want to become useless junkie Dean saw in 2014, so I generally abstain. Or rather I don't do any drugs but I do go for a drink with Jake and Allie from time to time.  
"Nice! About time too."  
"Couldn't agree more. How about you? I assume you're not considering getting back with Amelia?"  
"No, that's past. She's with her husband now and I… As you said, I can't really leave Dean now."  
"You really can't…" I agree and I do feel sorry for him. For both of them really, I wish they had normal lives. I remember Dean leaving to live his apple pie life with Lisa. It hurt more than I thought possible at that time to see him go, but also I was so hopeful he'd find peace at last.  
“Anyway, I've got to go now, I'm meeting Jake in twenty minutes. I'll give you a call one I hear anything from Professor Burnes."  
"Yeah, sure. Thanks man, speak to you later."


	3. Chapter 3

_6 months after angels fell_

**\- I got reply from prof. call me. /Tim/**

**\- On a job, can't. What did he say? /Sam/**

I growl. I hate texting. Honestly, texting is one of the worst means of communication. It takes ages and you can't really say what you want. I settle down on my couch though and prepare for texting marathon, because I just know it's going to take a while.

**\- He's got sources on Nammu. Good ones, I think. /Tim/**

**\- How'd you know? /Sam/**

**\- Asked. Answers seem legit. /Tim/**

**\- What sources? /Sam/**

**\- Do u expect ISBN numbers? /Tim/**

**\- Smartass /Sam/**

I sigh heavily. Professor sent me the list of sources almost a page long, cited in APA style. How am I supposed to text that?

**\- Call me after job /Tim/**

**\- Ok. How've u been? /Sam/**

**\- Ok. U? /Tim/**

**\- Tired. Pissed. Dean's a pain in my ass /Sam/**

**\- What happened? /Tim/**

**\- Got injured, knife in arm /Sam/**

**\- U? Or Dean? /Tim/**

Dammit! The shiver runs down my spine when I think of any of them being injured. It's absurd how much I still care about them. At least with Sam it makes sense – I'm speaking to him every week. Twice a week even, lately, so I'm really growing attached to him. More so than before. But Dean… Dammit!

**\- Me. Dean's fine. Mother hens me. Pissing me off. /Sam/**

**\- U ok? How bad is it? /Tim/**

**\- I'm ok. It's healing fine. /Sam/**

**\- Good. Is he ok? /Tim/**

**\- Yeah. Glaring at me now. Thinks I got myself gf. /Sam/**

**\- What's gf? /Tim/**

**\- Girlfriend. Texting, u know. /Sam/**

**\- Tell him salesman Tim's trying new sales pitch on u /Tim/**

**\- Sounds dirty. Jerk'll think I got me a bf /Sam/**

**\- U wish! /Tim/**

**\- Lol! Really don't! Ur ok, but I'm not into that /Sam/**

**\- Funny he calls u bitch. What's lol? /Tim/**

**\- Laughing out loud. Anything new with u? /Sam/**

**\- Meeting Allie's bf tonight. Mr. Sickeningly Perfect /Tim/**

**\- She's still hung up on him? /Sam/**

**\- Yeah. Probably just an assbutt /Tim/**

**\- Lol! Forgot u say that! /Sam/**

**\- Give me ur email, I send u references /Tim/**

**\- Drsexy67 at hotmail dot com /Sam/**

**\- Lol! Are u kidding me? /Tim/**

**\- It was Dean's idea. We use the same /Sam/**

**\- Deep, deep down, he's just a nerd /Tim/**

**\- Tell me about it /Sam/**

**\- Ok, I got to go. Will send you the refs. Take care. /Tim/**

**\- U too. Call u tomorrow /Sam/**

_7 months after angels fell_

"I met Professor Burnes today. He came by to deliver a lecture in our library and I got into his face to ask more about Nammu."

"You did? That's awesome man!" I can hear Sam's all excited. He's been going through all the references I've sent him for the past month and complaining about it every time he called. And he does call every couple of days now.

"Yeah, he's got some frighteningly good ideas how Mesopotamian religion worked. And he got me thinking about the resurrection."

"What about it?"

"You know how all three bodies have been found near the water? And all three have been found during new moon? I think this might be significant. I recall hearing about some sort of ritual or rite or whatever it was where a sacrifice had to be made on each new moon in five different places that would form pentagram. Those ancient pagan gods were really fond of pentagrams… Anyway, try looking into locations; maybe you'll see the pattern."

"You got that from a professor?" He asks me incredulously.

"No, of course not. He was just speaking of pentagrams and that got me thinking. The guy's a douche. So full of himself… Got really pissed off when I told him his theory on Enlil was faulty. Enlil never really raped Ninlil. They were friends for ages and they traveled together. But in all fairness, Enlil was foolishly devoted to Enki. Stupid really, considering…"

"So you told a professor, who is world renown for his in depth knowledge on Sumerian gods, that he is wrong about said Sumerian gods?!"

"Yeah. Should've seen him! I was afraid he'd get a stroke or something."

"Cas, you're freakin' crazy!"

"Why? Because I know this better? I've met Enlil. I remember him following Enki like a freakin' dog. Enki was piece of work, I tell you. After he defeated Nammu, he thought he was invincible. Total assbutt. Got himself and Enlil killed in the end."

"So what? They were like… together?"

"Obviously. Enlil refused to leave his side even when it was clear Enki will be killed. Michael had no choice but to kill them both. So unnecessary, I actually liked Enlil."

"Dude, you've got stories!"

"You've no idea." I laugh. Indeed, I've got so many memories… And yet the ones that matter the most are of the last six years.

"By the way, I never asked you – how did meeting Allie's boyfriend go? Is he as sickeningly perfect as you thought he'd be?"

I choke at that. Right, I never told him… Well now is as good as any time.

"Well… He actually is as good as they get, I suppose, but… It didn't really work out between them."

"Oh? You said she was crazy about him."

"Yeah, she was, but… I suppose he wasn't as into it as she was. It didn't end too well, you know. Allie's still mad about it. And he… Well the guy really is…" I sigh at that before continuing. "The thing is he's ridiculously good looking. Top it off with leather jacket, motorcycle and constant smell of fresh wood around him and you have it. He's a carpenter, you see. And he volunteers to work with orphan kids. No wonder Allie's a goner."

"Sounds like a nice guy. Why didn't it work out?" Sam asks me.

"I think the fact I'm going on a date with him tonight might be a contributing factor." I deadpan and I hear him choke.

"You what?!"

I laugh loudly. "He's taking me out tonight."

"Since when do you even… I mean… I didn't know you swing that way!"

"Sam, apparently I'm not human enough to actually care about genders and sexuality. Whatever ticks. And honestly, he's absurdly hot! The way my body reacts to him…"

"Argh, man! No details, please!" He whines and I imagine what Dean calls Sam's bitch face. I laugh again, but then grow serious.

"Is that a problem for you?" I don't want our calls to end, but I know I would never cave just because Sam doesn't approve.

"What? No! It's your business who you're screwing with."

"Well, there's no screwing yet, but I certainly hope there will be in a foreseeable future…" I drawl and Sam whines again. "Anyway, now I have to make Allie forgive me. She's pissed… Righteously so, I might add, given she actually found us making out…"

"Dude!"

"I wasn't planning it! It sort of… Happened. I was slightly drunk and… He is ridiculously hot!"

"Yeah, you covered that part already. Still – Allie's your friend! You don't go doing that sort of things to your friends!"

"I know… I colossally suck at friendship. Jake's mad at me too, for hurting Allie. And I'm mad at me… I never wanted to hurt her. But, to my defense, when this actually happened they were not dating anymore. I know you shouldn't make out with your friend's ex, but… He's just ridiculously…"

"Hot, I get it! Dude, you seriously need to get laid."

"Couldn't agree more." I chuckle.

"You've changed a lot Cas." He says thoughtfully.

"I'm human now, Sam. I don't have the luxury of rigidity and I don't have a luxury of time. I've got couple of year left, if I'm lucky and if my brothers won't find me sooner. I try to take what I can from this humanity."

"You think they're still looking for you? Even after they fell?"

"Have you met Uriel? Zachariah? They are the typical angels, not Anna and sure as hell, not I. They are looking for me. They will find me and when they do – it will be the end."

"Cas you've got to be on the move then! You can't let them find you!"

"No." I reply simply.

"What do you mean 'no'?"

"I mean I'm not going to run ever again. They find me, they kill me, it's over. I deserve that anyway and you know it."

"Cas, for the love of God!"

"There's no need to bring the parents into it!" I chuckle and he scowls.

"Cas!"

Suddenly I hear shuffling and voices in the background of Sam's voice and then a very familiar voice bellows at me.

"Cas! Where the fuck are you?"

My breath hitches. It's been seven months since I last spoke to him, seven months of this humanity and still I feel the same shiver travel down my spine, the same shaking of my hands and the same fastening of my heartbeat.

"Hello Dean." I finally manage.

"So you're calling Sam? Sam!?" He growls and I hear the accusation and something else, something I think might be pain in his voice. It can't be though, there's no reason for the pain. I stay silent regardless. There's not much to say anyway.

"Where are you?" He asks again, his voice more composed, but I can feel the rage beneath it. I look at my phone for a moment and then press the hang up button. Few seconds later my phone is ringing again, but I decline the call and switch it off altogether. I have to get a new number.

_8 months after angels fell_

I haven't called Sam in over a month. For one – I've been very busy. My work, trying to make Allie forgive me and dating Nick left very little time for me. And for second – I was afraid Dean might answer the call. I thought about texting Sam, but I don't have the slightest idea of what I should write. So it's been a month and today I finally decided to give it a try. To be safe I call him from a pay phone.

"Hello? Who's this?" I hear Sam's voice and I sigh in relief.

"Hello Sam."

"Dude, finally!" He sighs. "Few days longer and I would've come see you."

"Sorry I didn't call sooner. Didn't want to repeat the last time…"

"Yeah, you and me both. It was…"

"Is he mad?" I ask.

"How'd you think? Of course he's mad. He's so pissed he barely talks to me. You've got to talk to him dude."

"I know… I just don't know what to say. When I think I've got the hang of it, of this humanity, I think of Dean and I'm freakin' lost again! That goddamned bond! I thought it'll wear off now I don't have grace, but… Dammit!"

"You care about him." It's not a question.

"No shit." I reply. "But I'm no good around him. I'm not me around him, not the person I want to be. I'm good here, Sam. Happy. I don't want to be taken care of and I don't want to be loathed again and it's always this or that with your brother."

"I don't understand."

"I'm either baby in a trench coat or somebody he wants to kill. And I don't want to be either. I know how inept I still am at being human; I don't need anyone to tell me that. And I have self loathing to last me couple of lifetimes – I don't need his loathing on top. I just can't deal with it. Not yet... It's still raw Sam. I still can't."

"What the hell happened between you two?" He asks me silently.

"I was stupid. I still am, but I don't want to be. I have a decent life now and I will do what I can to keep it."

"He's hurting Cas. Please, just call him. You don't want to see him, fine, but call him."

"And what do you think I should say? That I don't want to see him? I think it's fairly obvious by now."

"Tell him you need time to be you."

"That sounds lame." I tell him and my lips twitch with the smile.

"Well you're kind of lame around him! All the freakin' staring!"

"My point exactly!" I agree.

"Well you won't be staring on the phone."

"Your insight astounds me."

"Assbutt."

"Hey, that's my word! Anyway… How bad is it?"

"Pretty bad. I told him you only called me couple of times and you asked me not to tell him. He's pissed… Said I should've told him, said I should've made you come back or at the very least call him… He's right Cas, I had to tell him, I still do. You were his angel and now… I kind of betrayed him."

"No, Sam. You just helped a friend who desperately needed help. I'm very grateful you didn't tell – I would have left if you did and I would've never stayed in touch."

"Still… I hate seeing him like that. You've got to call him."

"I know."

"Will you?"

"Yes. It's easier not to, but… Yes. I'll send you my new number and then send me his, I'll call him."

"Ok, yeah ok, that's good." I can hear him sigh in relief. "So how about you? Are you ok?"

"Yeah, I'm good. You?"

"Come on Cas! Spill. Last time we talked you were about to go on a date with Allie's boyfriend!"

"He's not Allie's boyfriend." I chuckle. "If I'm not much mistaken, he's actually mine."

"Yours? So it's going that well?"

"Well, he is still Mr. Sickeningly Perfect." I laugh. "It's kind of hard not to like him. The guy's kind and he cares for kids. He actually got me to volunteer. I teach kids on Saturdays now – can you imagine?"

"He does sound like a nice guy." Sam agrees.

"Yeah. And he's ridiculously hot! I mean you should see him in his leather jacket on his motorcycle!"

Sam laughs at that and I continue.

"Seriously, if I'm right, he actually has a fan club in this town. He doesn't agree, but honestly! If I was a jealous type, I'd go crazy – he's getting hit on all the time."

"That doesn't bother you?" He asks and I smile to myself.

"No. You should see him look at me."

"Really? So the guy's a goner for you?"

"Yeah, tell me about it! I can't believe it too!"

"That's not what I meant. You're awesome too."

"Right." I scoff. "I know who I am Sam, no need for this crap. But anyway, Nick doesn't know who I used to be, he only knows this human version of me and for some unknown reason he actually likes it. And I'm good with him. It's actually amazing to have someone who cares about you that way. I've never known this, it's unbelievable."

"Sounds to me, you really like the guy."

"Well, that. But it's more than that really. He surprises me, you know? Astounds me. I've lived for longer than I care to remember, but as an angel I have always been one of many. We're all the same, you know? No, you probably don't… Anyway, there were thousands of us – brothers, sisters… And there was never a difference who stands by your side. And then I found Dean and you and… You were significant, different. I don't know how to explain this… Any angel could've been in my place. I don't know if they'd have made the same choices I have, but that could've been anyone. You know how Dean says angels are dicks? As in all of us? He's really not that far off – we are ultimately all the same, wired in the same way. Some of us apparently have a glitch in the wiring that makes us make spectacularly shitty choices, but overall, we're the same, we're not significant. I've never felt important, you know? And with Nick… I'm significant. He really thinks I'm important and dammit if I don't like the feeling!"

"You're delusional Cas! You think you were not important to us? Why the hell do you think Dean went through Purgatory looking for you? Why do you think I keep calling you? You're freakin' important!"

"Stop it Sam. Dean went through Purgatory because that's how he is. He saves people, helps them. He would've done that for anyone. You… I don't know why you're calling me. I thought it was because you need some help with your research, but I suppose we're becoming friends?"

"Damn right we're friends! Why is it so hard for you to believe we actually care about you? Why do you so easily believe Jake and Allie and this Nick of yours do, but Dean and I don't?" He asks frustrated and I just don't want to talk anymore. I've spent countless nights going through this in my head, hoping Dean actually did care, replaying memory after memory in my head looking for the faintest shred of evidence he did… I can't go through this again. I accepted he didn't and I try to move on. I'm far from that mystical 'on', but I'm doing all I can to get there.

"Look, I think we got too much into what Dean calls touchy feely crap. Must agree with the guy – it sucks!"

"Fine." He huffs exasperatedly.

"So how are you? What's happening with Nammu?"

"We found another body. Fourth already. I drew a pentagram on a map and you're not going to like it. The last point is actually pretty close to your town. I suppose we'll be coming by next month, before new moon. We've got to stop it, it's going to be our last chance."

"Dammit! Ok, I'll think of something. Call me before you come, I'll clear out of here."

"Come on! I was actually hoping to see you."

"I can't risk it Sam. I don't know, maybe if you can find an excuse, we can meet somewhere outside the town. I want to see you too."

"Finally, some sense!" I can hear him smile and I smile too.

"By the way, send me that map, I want to take a look. And I'll keep an eye on anyone new coming around – maybe you can catch them before the ritual."

"That sounds like a plan!"

"Ok, now I've got to go. Have to make the living, you know?"

"Yeah, yeah. Honest man!"

"Hardly." I chuckle

"Yeah. Ok, send me your number and then call Dean."

"Ok, ok. Take care Sam."

"You too."

/\/\/\

"Hi, it's Dean, you know what to do!" Beep.

I sigh with relief. Voicemail. Ok, ok, maybe that's even better.

"Hello Dean. It's me… Um, Cas… tiel… Look, Sam told me you wanted me to call and… Well, here I am I suppose. So yeah… I don't know, I suppose I should apologize first? Sam says you're mad at me for not calling you and… Well I never intended to make you mad. I don't know what you wanted to talk about, but… I'm not coming back and I don't want to… Um…I've got a life here, I work, I have friends… I don't have much time, you know, so I just do what I can. I'm not ungrateful to you, there's a lot you've done I won't be able to repay you for and you know, I didn't call you not because I'm ungrateful… Dammit. I'm sorry, ok? I never wanted… I think I screwed up. I should've called you – we've been through enough to warrant a call... I suppose I don't have that much to tell. I'm ok. I hope you are too, I really hope you are too… Um… Ok, I'm going to go all chick flick on you, so you can just stop listening now if you're not in a mood." I pause here to let him hang up and to take a deep breath. "Anyway, if you are listening… I've missed you, both of you really, but yeah… you. And I'm sorry for the way it ended, I'm sorry I won't see you again. I don't really have anything to give anymore, but I wish I did, I wish I could see you again… I just… Yeah, missed you… Ok, I think that's enough of a sappy side. I'm sorry I called Sam and not you. I wanted to call you all along. Don't be mad at Sam, I asked him not to tell, he just helped a friend… I hope you're ok and… dammit. Good bye, Dean, I… Good bye."

I hang up the phone and I realize I'm shaking all over. For crying out loud, I haven't even talked to him, and yet I'm actually on a verge of breaking down. Such a girl!


	4. Chapter 4

I'm on a date when Sam calls me again. We're in a bar because Nick actually likes them a lot. It's fine, I suppose. Reminds me too much of Roadhouse and that's a painful memory…

"Hey Sam!" I answer my phone and Nick rolls his eyes. I told him about a nerd friend I've got who sometimes calls me. I add to tease him a little. "Nick says hi!"

"So you're doing the couple's thing now? Are you referring to yourself as 'we' now too?" He asks chuckling and I can't help but laugh.

"No, I'm still I, but _we_ does have a freaking sound to it!"

"Argh, don't you become one of those sickening couples." He whines.

"I think we're in risk group of becoming such couple, given that Nick is sickeningly perfect." I tell him seriously and feel Nick kick me under the table. "Anyway, was there something you wanted? I'm kind of in a middle of the date."

"Yeah, quick one. Dean's told me you called and left a message? Is that so?"

"Yeah. The call went to voicemail so I left the message."

"Dude!" He all but whines at me.

"What? He didn't answer! What was I supposed to do?"

"Call back, you idiot! You don't just leave a message after the crap you've pulled!"

"Is there a rule or something? I've never heard of it! I called, he didn't answer, I left the message. Besides it's so much easier this way – he didn't get a chance to yell at me."

"Oh my freakin'… It's not supposed to be easy! You're supposed to get yelled at and you're supposed to deal with it."

"Doesn't sound right. You're sure?" I ask teasingly.

"You're an ass!" He growls.

"So what do you want me to do? I can't call back, I kind of told Dean all I could."

"I'm going to give him your number, Cas. He wants to call you and I'm giving him your number."

"Um… must you? I mean I doubt there's anything left to be said."

"He didn't even get a chance to say anything, you fool!"

"Fine. Give him my number, I'll handle it." I sigh resigned. "How've you been anyway? All good?"

"I suppose so. I told Dean about pentagram and Nammu. Told him you suggested looking into that. He seemed impressed."

"You shouldn't have told him I had anything to do with it." I tell him. The less Dean knew about me, the better.

"Just shut it, Cas. It was your idea and it was freakin' good one.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm that awesome. So when are you coming?"

"I don't know yet. In couple of weeks I think. There's a case we still need to go to. You know you were right – keeping Dean busy improves his mood significantly."

"He's a simple kind of guy – take care of him and he'll be alright." I tell him and I realize Nick's looking at me funny. I cock my eyebrows at him, but he just shakes his head still staring at me.

"I wouldn't have to if you would freaking speak to him already!" Sam whines and I sigh.

"Ok. I'll call him again, alright? Ok!" I growl, but I hear Sam sigh in relief.

"Good! That's all I'm asking."

"You're a pain in my ass, you know that?"

"Yeah and you actually can't wait to see me again." He teases and I laugh.

"Yeah, how the hell did that happen?"

"Beats me. Never thought I'd be so eager to see nerdy little ex-angel."

"Hey! Just because you're tall as a mountain, doesn't mean I'm little!" I scowl and I see Nick frown. What the hell is wrong with him?

"Yeah, yeah, tell that to yourself."

"Ok, Sam, I really have to get back to my date before Nick kicks my ass. Or yours, for that matter." I chuckle and wink at Nick. He lightens up visibly and I think I get it. He's jealous.

"Ok. Tell him I said hi and that I really want to meet him."

"Ok, ok. Talk to you later, take care."

"You too."

/\/\/\

- **Hello Dean. Sam said u want me to call back. Is it true? Or is he sadly delusional again? /unknown/**

- **It's Castiel, btw. /Cas/**

It's such a long time before I get the reply that I think I will never get one. It's stupid, really, that I decided to text him of all things, but I just can't muster the courage to call him. I'm terrified, if I'm honest and not for the right reasons to add. I am just freakin' scared he doesn't care at all. I mean I know he doesn't, but knowing and seeing, or rather hearing, it is not the same.

- **U r a dick Cas! /Dean/**

- **Good that some things never change /Cas/**

- **Where r u? /Dean/**

- **Home /Cas/**

- **Where's home? /Dean/**

- **I'd rather not tell /Cas/**

- **Why? /Dean/**

I take some time to answer that. Because really, how can you explain in so many characters the complexity of this thing I have with him? He's not the most patient though, because before I even start typing, I get another text.

- **What the hell, man? I mean what the fucking hell? /Dean/**

- **I assume u want a short version? Or I'll be texting for 2 days /Cas/**

- **Any /Dean/**

- **I'm human now /Cas/**

- **So? /Dean/**

- **That's the short version /Cas/**

- **Go fucking longer! /Dean/**

- **I can't do anything 4 u anymore /Cas/**

- **U could come back /Dean/**

- **And dump my useless self on ur hands again? /Cas/**

- **Wtf? /Dean/**

- **I don't understand that reference /Cas/**

I text the last one with a smile. I used to say that a lot back when we were… Back when I was falling for the first time.

- **It means what the fuck. So wtf man? /Dean/**

- **I don't want to be useless load /Cas/**

- **Who said u r? /Dean/**

- **U did /Cas/**

- **What? /Dean/**

- **Baby in a trench coat /Cas/**

- **Geez, it's an expression! /Dean/**

- **U suck at expressions /Cas/**

- **Not the point regardless. I know I'm useless now. To u anyway /Cas/**

- **U r not useless, u r an idiot /Dean/**

- **Actually my mental abilities were not affected by loss of grace /Cas/**

- **Come home /Dean/**

I suck in a deep breath. Such a simple phrase. Two little words and I'm unhinged. I used to think, believe even that my home was where he was, I looked forward to every time I got to meet him, be by his side, feel at home… Not anymore, I can't do that anymore, I just can't…

- **I'm home /Cas/**

- **No, u r not /Dean/**

- **Look, I'm sorry I haven't called. Really sorry /Cas/**

- **U called Sammy. Why? /Dean/**

- **Wanted to know how u both were /Cas/**

- **Why didn't u call me? /Dean/**

- **Sorry /Cas/**

- **No. Why? /Dean/**

- **Couldn't. It's complicated /Cas/**

- **I was looking 4 u /Dean/**

- **I know. Sorry /Cas/**

- **Fuck it. Why? /Dean/**

- **Complicated /Cas/**

- **Wtf man? /Dean/**

- **I came to u. Before going to heaven. U let me go. It was a goodbye /Cas/**

- **What? /Dean/**

I don't have it in me anymore. I really can't keep going. It freakin' hurts to think about this all again, to remember his indifference, his annoyance at having had to help me that last time when all he wanted to do was go back and help Sam. And still I miss him like mad and it hurts as well. I put my phone down and lie on the coach, hiding my face under the pillow. I can hear my phone ring, but I don't pick it up, I just physically can't. Why is it still so painful? Wasn't it supposed to stop by now? I freakin' have a life here now! I have friends and Nick and… Why does it still hurt? My phone beeps again.

- **Pick up ur phone Cas /Dean/**

- **Can't, gotta go /Cas/**

- **Come on man! /Dean/**

- **I just can't ok? It's done. /Cas/**

- **It'll never be done & it wasn't goodbye. Come home /Dean/**

- **Stop it /Cas/**

- **U r family. Come home /Dean/**

- **Just stop it Dean. I'm home /Cas/**

- **No u r not /Dean/**

I don't reply to that. Instead I turn off my phone and don't touch it for three days.

/\/\/\

I turn on my phone only after I have been yelled at by Allie and Jake and have gotten into a huge fight with Nick. People seriously depend too much on technology.

When I turn the phone on, I can see I've got 5 unread texts and 11 missed calls. I scroll through the calls and I'm not really surprised 5 of them are from Nick, 1 from Allie and Jake each, 2 from Sam and another 2 from Dean. I sigh and turn to messages.

- **So u turned off the phone again. Mature, man! Anyway, come home /Dean/**

- **There's a room waiting 4 u in our bunker. And books. U can geek out with Sam /Dean/**

- **What now? U got into fight with Dean? Call me! /Sam/**

- **Sam's worried, at least call him. I got DVD for ur room so u can watch Dr. Sexy MD /Dean/**

- **I miss u too. Come home /Dean/**

Dammit, dammit, dammit! I'm such a mess… I dial the number.

"Hi Sam, it's me."

"Jesus freakin' finally!" He exhales. "What the hell happened?"

"Nothing happened. Got myself cut off for few days. Needed to think, that's all." I tell him. "You know, phones are like tumors. You get one and you still think it's not a big deal. But then it roots and spreads it's cancer cells and all of the sudden, you depend on it! And not only you – everyone suddenly thinks you must be reachable at all times! What the hell?!"

"Man, your references leave something to be desired…"

"No seriously. I haven't picked up my phone for 3 days and I got yelled at for it by 3 different people! So don't you freakin' start on me, I'm not in a mood."

"I can hear that. Ok, I'm not saying anything. You don't want to speak to someone, then you just don't speak to them. I'm glad you called anyway."

"Yeah, yeah…I'm pissed at you."

"For what? What did I do?" He asks startled.

"You made me call him."

"You called Dean?"

"No. I texted."

"You what? Since when do you text?" He asks incredulous and I can't help it, my lips twitch with a smile.

"It seemed easier at the time."

"Oh man, I thought we went through it already. It's not supposed to be easy."

"Relax, it sure as hell wasn't! I said it was supposed to be…" I growl.

"What happened?"

"Nothing much. I apologized. He asked me to come back. I refused. He insisted. I stopped talking."

"Do you finally believe he cares about you?" He asks and I shake my head. He doesn't see that of course, so I sigh.

"No. It's… I don't know what it is, but I do know Dean. There are very few people whom Dean cares about and I know how he is about them. I've seen him around you and Bobby. I've seen him forming a friendship with Benny and Charlie. He's different around you guys, you can actually see it. He's… softer at the edges I guess. You make him smile more… And then there are people that he generally likes, like Pamela was. Or Garth, Chuck, Kevin. And then there are those that annoy the crap out of him, but are sometimes useful or he just can't get rid of them, like Crowley. Or Meg. Or, you know, like I was."

"Dude, you're seriously putting yourself in the same box with Crowley and Meg? Are you fucking kidding me?"

I take a deep shuddering breath. I shouldn't have called; I should have pulled myself together before calling. And I sure as hell shouldn't be saying these things to him. But I feel so alone and it's so painful it reminds me the first days of this humanity. I have no one else to talk to about these things that eat at me at nights.

"No… I don't put myself anywhere anymore, because I'm just a human now." I tell him at last. "I'm no one in that life you are leading and I freakin' don't want to be no one! So here I am, trying to be someone in this human life, trying to stay the hell away from all of you and failing miserably! I freakin' hate this!"

"Cas… Dammit, why is it so hard for you to believe you matter?"

"Just fucking stop Sam! It was a mistake, I shouldn't have called you…"

"Whoa, wait, wait! I'll shut up ok? It's your choice, do whatever you want! Just, you know, don't hang up. Let's just… Talk of something else. How's Nick? Allie? Jake?"

I take couple of calming breaths. I have to pull myself together, I can't be this unhinged.

"I had a fight with Nick." I finally mutter and shake my head. "Did you know that being in a relationship entitles you to ask questions? And you should actually hope for real answers?"

Sam laughs at that.

"Yeah, it's kind of a given, why?"

"Well, why didn't you tell me? I didn't know that! I mean, my past is my past, how does being my boyfriend entitle Nick to know it?"

"Oh, shit! What the hell did you do?"

"It's so stupid, really… It all started so innocently, I should've known. It began when you last called me, remember? There must be something I said or did but afterwards he started asking questions about you, how do I know you, will he get to meet you and all those sorts of things. There's very little I ever told Nick about my past, because honestly, I hate lying to him. I told him I have left a lifetime behind before moving here and that I don't like talking about this. There were mandatory questions, I suppose, like did I leave a wife somewhere and a couple of kids, but after we cleared those up, we were good. Until now. Anyway, I told him you and I used to work together and we remained friends. He seemed ok with that. Then he asked about Dean. Apparently I mentioned him during the call. I told him all three of us used to work together and that he's your brother. Honestly, I didn't even lie! It seemed like the end of it, but dammit it if it was!

Anyway, then this whole thing with texting happened and I turned off my phone. I was so out of it, couldn't concentrate and all, so I just gathered some things and went for a ride. For three days… Now when I think of it, I should have probably told Nick, but I didn't think about it then. The library was closed for three days, you know, the Memorial Day thing? So I just left.

When I got back, I found Nick at my place, pissed beyond anything I've ever seen. He shouted and cursed and all… For a sickeningly perfect guy he sure can swear, I tell you! After a very, very, very long and heated discussion about how relationships work and what I should and shouldn't do I told him I didn't want to speak about this anymore and went to bed. I was so freakin' tired… I thought he'd leave, but remember how I told you he was sickeningly perfect? He decided to forgive me and just came to bed with me."

"Ok, ok, it's all very interesting, but if you're about to tell me about your make-up sex, just stop. Not my thing."

"Suit yourself." I laugh tiredly. "But no, there was no make-up sex, I was just tired and so was he. He didn't sleep for two days waiting for me… For crying out loud, I don't deserve the guy… Anyway, do you remember how I told you about my dreams?"

"Nightmares, you mean?"

"Yeah, those. That was the night when I just had to have one! Just my luck… And to top it all it was about the time Naomi made me kill Dean. Again and again and again. Get this – it turns out I speak in my sleep! And now the million dollar question – guess what did I say that night?"

"You freakin' said his name!"

"Ta da da daaa da daaa!" I laugh bitterly. Of course I said his name…

"Oh shit…"

"You know how I said I'm not a jealous type? Apparently Nick freakin' is!"

"But you did explain, right? You told him something?" His tone is wary but I know it'll be warier still when I tell him.

"Well what was I supposed to tell? I told him Dean was just the guy I used to work with, that I haven't seen him since I came here and that I just had a nightmare. All perfectly true. Well almost."

"And?"

"And he said he didn't believe me, said people don't have nightmares about their co-workers and certainly don't scream their names at night. It got nasty… I told him if he didn't believe me it was his problem, not mine. He said I kept secrets from him. I said of course I did, that's called having a private life and you know… It went for hours. He tried to get me to talk about my life before, I said it wasn't his business, said I live this life now and it's all that matters."

"Oh dear Lord…" Sam moans.

"Again with the parents, Sam." I try to lighten up the whole thing.

"You really have no idea how to be in a relationship, do you?"

"That's actually pretty much what Nick said!" I tell him surprised. Are they on the same wavelength or something? "I think this is when we could have gotten out of the mess, but he asked me a question and I chose the wrong time to tell the truth… He asked me if I ever spoke to Dean since leaving. And the fool that I am I told him I left him a voicemail and texted him."

"I assume it didn't go down that well?"

"Nope, it freakin' didn't. He said things like he's not going to wait until I get over someone, something about rebound, whatever the hell that is, something about not competing with the fantasy. There was also something about options, about making choices. Anyway… There were many things he said that didn't make any sense before he finally said he wasn't going to waste his time on someone who doesn't know what he wants and he stormed out."

"Jesus, Cas, I'm so sorry!"

"Don't Sam. It's ok. Anyway, it was too good to last. It's just… I don't know. It was good with him, easy and comfortable and… I wasn't so alone."

"Come on, man! You can still make it work. Just go to him, apologize, tell him there's nothing happening between you and Dean. If he's anything like you make him sound like, he'll understand."

"You didn't see him. He's just so angry with me. He actually reminded me of Dean for a while there. Dammit, dammit…"

"Just talk to him, Cas, that's what people in the relationships do."

"When are you coming? I could really use a friend now. The one I could actually have a drink with."

"Two weeks. I'll try sooner."

"Ok. Yeah, fine. Do you now see why I didn't want to talk to Dean? It's remarkable how he manages to turn my life upside down without even doing anything!" I sigh and then I ask, even though I shouldn't ask. "How is he?"

Now Sam pauses and I wonder if he tells me. He does.

"He seems better. He's more focused, I guess, more in control. Doesn't drink that much and doesn't scowl at me for everything. I even saw him smile when he dragged the DVD to an unused room we have here in the bunker. He checks his phone every ten minutes or so, but other than that he seems really much better."

I smile before I stop myself and scowl inwardly.

"That's good, Sam. I'm glad he got this closure, you know."

"Yeah, I don't think this is it. He's more determined too. Anyway, at least for the time being things are better on this end. I'm just sorry about you and Nick."

"Don't worry about it, Sam. He was just too good for me, that's all."

"Stop it, goddammit! You're a catch, ok? You're awesome and anyone would be lucky to have you! Do you realize Nick's pissed because he thinks you don't want him, not the other way around? Just get your head out of that ass of yours and go fix it!"

"You're adorable when you're angry." I laugh to deflect, because I just can't fight with anyone anymore.

"You're an ass!"

"Ok, ok. Look, I'm going to get some sleep. Talk to you later?"

"Yeah ok. It's going to be fine, you'll see."

"Right. Take care, Sam."

"You too."


	5. Chapter 5

-  **Thanks for calling Sam. He's relieved. Me too. /Dean/**

I read the text couple of times before I cave.

-  **He worries too much /Cas/**

-  **Yeah he does. Cares about u /Dean/**

I don't know how to reply to this, so I just don't. After a while my phone beeps again.

-  **Me too. Come home /Dean/**

-  **Don't. /Cas/**

-  **Why? I want u to come home /Dean/**

-  **I'm home /Cas/**

-  **No u r not /Dean/**

To this I don't reply.

/\/\/\

-  **There's awesome burger place nearby /Dean/**

I look at the text for a long time. What the hell is that?

-  **? Wrong number? /Cas/**

-  **No, remembered u like burgers. Take u there when u come home /Dean/**

**/\/\/\**

-  **Ur Nammu idea was great /Dean/**

-  **I got help /Cas/**

-  **Sam said u knew Enki /Dean/**

-  **Yeah, he was assbutt /Cas/**

-  **Hahaha! Gods often suck /Dean/**

-  **Couldn't agree more /Cas/**

-  **I'll get u game of thrones on DVD. U'll like it /Dean/**

-  **Stop it. /Cas/**

-  **Come home /Dean/**

Why is he doing that? It's so frustrating how I still react to this…

/\/\/\

-  **I think Sam's got a girlfriend /Dean/**

-  **Why? /Cas/**

Well that's new. I'm sure Sam would've mentioned a girlfriend. I spoke to him two days ago, he definitely would've said something. I think.

It's all cleared up with the next beep.

-  **We're going on ur lead on Nammu, but he wants to leave earlier and meet me there /Dean/**

-  **Did u ask him? /Cas/**

-  **Yeah, says he has a thing /Dean/**

-  **I'm sure he does /Cas/**

-  **U think he'll leave again? /Dean/**

I can feel how loaded this is. There's nothing Dean is more scared of than being abandoned by Sam and honestly, Sam had left him enough times by now.

-  **No. He tried, it didn't work. He'll stay /Cas/**

-  **How'd u know? /Dean/**

-  **Asked. /Cas/**

-  **Why? /Dean/**

And how the hell do I answer that? How do I say I was scared shitless about Sam leaving Dean alone again?

-  **Been worried /Cas/**

-  **About him? /Dean/**

-  **U r a pain in the ass /Cas/**

Dammit, he definitely is!

-  **Come home /Dean/**

/\/\/\

-  **I got u a journal /Dean/**

-  **What? /Cas/**

-  **Every hunter has a journal /Dean/**

-  **I'm not a hunter /Cas/**

-  **U will be when u come home /Dean/**

-  **Dammit, just stop it! I'm home! /Cas/**

-  **No u r not /Dean/**

I groan so loudly that couple of readers snap their heads up to look at me. I shrug and shake my head at Allie who's staring at me as if I've grown a second head or something.

/\/\/\

"You're not going to believe it! Jake finally asked Allie out and she actually agreed!" I laugh. It was so pathetically adorable – Jake blushed and groaned and muttered until he finally got it out. I thought the guy would actually faint if she said no.

"Really? Well that's… Finally! I mean I haven't even met them yet and even I knew the two belong together!" Sam laughs and I think I must've spoken about that too much.

"So how 'bout you? What's happening?"

"Nothing much. Told Dean I want to go earlier. He didn't like it."

"Yeah, I know. He thinks you've got girlfriend hidden somewhere and will trot on your merry way anytime now."

"Jesus freakin'… His abandonment issues are the size of the moon!"

"Can't blame the guy, really. He's been left enough times by now." I try to keep my voice even, but even I hear a bit of the threat in it.

"I won't leave, ok?" He answers annoyed and I smile.

"Good then!"

"So you spoke to Dean."

"Insightful as ever!"

"You're an ass!"

I laugh.

"I didn't technically speak to him. We texted."

"What the hell is wrong with the two of you?" Sam asks and I really don't know how to answer it. So I change the subject.

"By the way, Nick and I made up."

"What?! Why didn't you tell me?"

"I'm telling you now."

"Freakin'… ex-angels!" He scowls and I chuckle. "How did that happen? Did you actually manage to get your head out of your ass?"

"Hey!" I scoff indignantly, but I really didn't do anything so I can't argue convincingly. "It was actually Nick… He came to me after work yesterday and said he might have overreacted. Said he knew I suck at relationships and he's fine with that as long as we're in it together and you know… Things like that."

"Wow! That guy is sickeningly perfect!"

"I know! Honestly Sam, I have no idea why he puts up with me. I mean the guy could almost literally get anyone he wanted – he's good and kind and he cares about people. He tries to help everyone around him. He volunteers, he works with kids. He's good with his hands and… He made it so easy to be with him, even for me you know? After all the crap I've been through and all the crap I pulled and me being… well me, it is still easy to be with him. And despite all this, he has this free spirit feeling about him, you know? And then add his ridiculously good looks and you've got yourself a guy for whom over half of the population of this town would spread their legs!"

"Argh, Cas!"

"You wait and meet him Sam!" I tell him. "If you're not a little bit turned on by him, you're dead inside!"

"Just stop it right there!"

"We'll see. Anyway, what I wanted to say is that I can't believe and I can't understand why the guy like that sticks with me."

"It sounds to me he loves you."

"Yeah, he might've said this yesterday… I still don't get why."

"Whoa! He said he loved you?" Sam asked incredulously.

"You see? I'm shocked too!"

"That's not what I meant. What did you say, when he told you that?"

"I believe my exact words were 'are you serious?'"

I can hear Sam choke a little and then he laughs, loud and for a long time.

"You colossally suck at relationships, dude!" He finally manages.

"Yeah, that's exactly what Nick said. And then he also said he's willing to be with me regardless how bad I am at all this as long as I want that too and there's no one else. He's definitely the jealous type. I told him there was no one else and that was that – we're good again."

"That's great, man! I do have to ask though – do you… you know, love him?"

"Is it socially acceptable to ask that kind of questions?" I ask calmly. I'm pretty sure it's not.

"Come on man! We're friends!"

"I don't know Sam. How do you know if you love someone?" This is actually something that's been bothering me for some time now. Was this attachment I felt for Nick love? I remember how it was with Dean – he was my reason, my goal, everything really. I would have done and I did everything I could for him. He was… Dammit, who am I kidding, he still is the most important of my father's creations. Compared to that – and can I compare? Should I? This attachment to Nick is not… that significant. I mean I do like him a lot. I like spending time with him, I like our dates and honestly the sex is mind blowing, but… If my grace was to return and I could be useful again, I would go back to Dean's side. And I know it could never be this way with Dean, he doesn't need nor want me and everything… But I would do it anyway, I would still go back. Yes, I am that pathetic… But at the same time with Nick I am happy. I feel adequate with him, important even and I love it. So maybe… Maybe it's the beginning of love? Maybe I finally am in a healthy relationship and maybe with time this freakin' bond I have to Dean will finally break.

"I think you'd know if you were in love." Sam says finally.

"Yeah, I probably would." I agree. "Anyway, I'm good with Nick and as long as he's willing to put up with me being me, I'm in!"

"Cas, have you ever actually loved someone?" Sam asks suddenly and I frown. I hate lying to him.

"I love my brothers and sisters. I loved my father."

"I don't mean that kind of love."

"I've never been in a relationship before Nick." I tell him trying to evade. He doesn't budge.

"That's not what I asked."

"I know, but why don't you just go with it?" I tell him seriously.

"Cas…"

"Well, fine! Fine! You wanna hear it?" I growl at him and continue. "I love you man! Here, happy?"

And now I laugh and I can hear him laugh too.

"You're an ass!"

"That's how you respond to my heartfelt admission?! You're an assbutt!" I laugh some more before asking. "So anyway, when are you coming? Nick wants to meet you."

"Five days! I'll be there on Monday and Dean's coming on Thursday. We'll stay till Sunday, because that's when the new moon is."

"Ok great! So I'll clear out for a long weekend. I think Nick will like the idea to get out of town together."

"I bet he will."

"Alright, I'll email you my address. Come over Monday evening. I work till seven, so anytime after. By the way, you can stay at my place."

"Really? I was thinking about motel."

"Nah, it's ok. I'll even let you have the bed – my couch won't survive the giant like you."

"Are you sure?"

"Yep, it's settled. Can't wait!"

"Yeah, me too. Missed you, man!"

"I freakin' knew you loved me!" I tease and he laughs.

"Obviously!"

/\/\/\

-  **Sam's all excited about going wherever hell he's going /Dean/**

-  **It's not girlfriend, relax /Cas/**

-  **How'd u know? /Dean/**

-  **Asked. He just has a thing /Cas/**

-  **U speak to him often? /Dean/**

-  **Enough, why? /Cas/**

-  **He doesn't speak about it /Dean/**

-  **It's private. He's a friend /Cas/**

-  **Since whe so cozy? /Dean/**

-  **Apparently I love him, lol /Cas/**

-  **Wtf? /Dean/**

-  **It's funnier in Enochian /Cas/**

-  **U r a dork /Dean/**

-  **U have no idea! /Cas/**

-  **Btw, I found some books in Enochian in the basement for u /Dean/**

-  **Why do u keep doing this? /Cas/**

-  **Come home /Dean/**

/\/\/\

-  **Was Nammu hot? /Dean/**

I laugh at that. It's such a Dean's question to ask.

-  **It's relative. I think u would've liked her /Cas/**

-  **So, hot? /Dean/**

-  **Tall, long brown hair, curves in all the right places, power /Cas/**

-  **Maybe we should let her be resurrected? /Dean/**

-  **Sure! Btw, she had sex and then ate her mates. R u interested? /Cas/**

-  **Ok, ok, u got a point /Dean/**

-  **She wanted Enki. That's how he defeated her /Cas/**

-  **He didn't want her? /Dean/**

-  **No, he had Enlil. Nammu didn't know. Stupid mistake /Cas/**

-  **Was Enlil hot? /Dean/**

-  **It's relative. Don't think u would've liked him /Cas/**

-  **Him?! Enlil was a dude? /Dean/**

-  **U didn't read the book on deities, I take it /Cas/**

-  **Nah, Sam did. So, he was a dude? /Dean/**

-  **Yes. Medium height, black hair, lean, stamina of twenty smthing /Cas/**

-  **Whoa! How'd u know? /Dean/**

-  **Enki boasted /Cas/**

-  **I fucking miss ur stories buddy /Dean/**

Again, to this I don't reply.

/\/\/\

-  **Got ur game of thrones DVDs /Dean/**

-  **I don't watch that show /Cas/**

-  **Awesome, we'll watch it 2gether /Dean/**

-  **Stop it! /Cas/**

-  **Shut it and come home /Dean/**

-  **I freakin' am home! /Cas/**

-  **No, u r fucking not! /Dean/**

/\/\/\

-  **What do u do? /Dean/**

-  **? /Cas/**

-  **For living /Dean/**

-  **Work /Cas/**

-  **Dick! /Dean/**

-  **Work at a library /Cas/**

I probably shouldn't tell him that, but what harm can it do?

-  **So u r officially a nerd! /Dean/**

-  **And freakin' happy about it! /Cas/**

-  **Hahaha. U know u have a library at home /Dean/**

-  **No, I don't /Cas/**

-  **Yep, u sure do. Good one at that. I brought all Bobby's books here too /Dean/**

-  **U did? He had great books /Cas/**

-  **Yeah. Sam's orgasming on them /Dean/**

-  **Why? Did u also bring ur magazine collection? /Cas/**

-  **Hahaha! I don't share my girls! /Dean/**

-  **Btw, how's ur car? /Cas/**

-  **Peachy! I take good care of my baby /Dean/**

-  **U r weird about ur car. Always wanted to tell u /Cas/**

-  **Fuck u! She's awesome! And u r banned from shotgun /Dean/**

Nick comes in to pick me up then and I bury my phone in my pocket. I don't want to fight him again and really, these texts are completely harmless, right?

/\/\/\

-  **Sam left this morning. It's weird /Dean/**

-  **Stop worrying. He's not leaving /Cas/**

-  **He did before. And u did /Dean/**

-  **I'm not ur brother /Cas/**

-  **U r family too /Dean/**

-  **No, I'm not, stop it already /Cas/**

/\/\/\

-  **Gotta ask. Did u finally pop ur cherry? /Dean/**

-  **So not ur business /Cas/**

-  **U did, didn't u? Atta boy! /Dean/**

-  **Is sex all u think about? /Cas/**

-  **Generally. So u liked it? /Dean/**

-  **Really not speaking about it /Cas/**

-  **That bad, huh? Don't worry, u'll learn /Dean/**

-  **Assbutt /Cas/**

I do laugh at that, though. Again, such a Dean thing to talk about.


	6. Chapter 6

_9 months after angels fell_

"Sam!" I grin opening the door wider for him to come in. "Have you always been this huge? I swear you must've grown a foot since I last saw you!"

He laughs and pulls me into a crushing hug. I don't pull back, just hug him.

"Just because you're a little nerdy guy, doesn't mean I've grown!" He laughs and then let's me go as we both hear Nick clear his throat.

"Oh, right! Sam, this is Nick, Nick – Sam." I introduce them and step aside to let them shake hands. I smile wider as I see them sizing each other up. I notice how Nick's eyes narrow slightly when he realizes Sam is taller than him. He's hilarious, really. In the mean time Sam shakes Nick's hand and looks at me with the widest smile.

"You're right, this guys is ridiculously hot!" He laughs and I can see Nick relax at once. He glances at me warmly and I wink at him.

"Come in, Sam." Nick says. "It's very nice to meet you at last! Cas hides his friends so well that I sometimes think he used to be a spy."

"Tell me about it! Cas's always been this way. Good luck trying to get him to talk about his family!"

"Ok, enough about my secret past lives." I tell them both as Nick takes Sam's bag and goes to the living room. "Thanks for ridiculously hot comment." I mouth at Sam and he grins.

"That's how you make the guy stop being jealous, you fool. Lesson learned?"

"Yeah, yeah." I laugh and we walk in. Once we all settle down with beer and some snacks, Nick asks Sam what kind of work we did together. Shit, I should've thought about that.

"Sam and his brother are actually FBI agents." I tell him before Sam says anything else. I suppose this should be good, because they will be investigating in this town, so FBI seems to fit. "I used to help them on cases involving historical artifacts and books."

"Really? That's fascinating!" Nick says and he starts asking Sam questions about his work in FBI. At the same time my phone beeps.

-  **What's ur favorite TV show? /Dean/**

-  **Kind of in a middle of smthing /Cas/**

I can see Sam is starting to get uncomfortable with the questions, so I butt in.

"Nick, I don't think Sam came here to talk about work."

"Oh, sorry man! I was just always interested in FBI. As a kid I wanted to be and agent, thought I could help people, you know."

"Why didn't you?" Sam asks and Nick's telling him a story how he had to drop out of college to support his family after his mother got ill. My phone beeps again. I turn the sound off.

-  **Come on man! What is it? /Dean/**

-  **Dr. Sexy. And I loathe u for that! /Cas/**

-  **I knew it! Hahaha! /Dean/**

-  **Assbutt /Cas/**

"Do you ever think about going back to school?" Sam asks and I know it's a bit loaded. I know he still thinks about that. I narrow my eyes at him, but he conveniently ignores that. Instead he listens to Nick saying he actually does think about it. It's a surprise for me, I never thought about asking that. The two of them get into discussion on difficulties of going back to school in their age.

-  **Did u try game of thrones? /Dean/**

-  **Saw pilot /Cas/**

-  **And? /Dean/**

-  **How the hell did u know I'll like it? /Cas/**

-  **I know u /Dean/**

-  **U really don't /Cas/**

-  **Did u watch more? /Dean/**

-  **No /Cas/**

-  **Ok, don't. We'll watch 2gether /Dean/**

I feel Nick brush his fingers along my thigh to draw my attention. I look at him.

"Is everything ok?" He asks looking at my phone.

"Yeah, sorry, it's Allie. She's arguing with Jake and apparently I moonlight as the tie breaker." I lie smoothly and Nick smiles. Sam, however, looks at me quizzically. My phone buzzes in my pocket. I excuse myself saying I'll get us all more beer.

-  **What are you doing anyway? /Dean/**

-  **Got company /Cas/**

-  **Girlfriend? /Dean/**

-  **No /Cas/**

-  **Do u have a girlfriend? /Dean/**

-  **No. U? /Cas/**

-  **'m not boyfriend material /Dean/**

-  **Why? /Cas/**

-  **Hunter, y'know /Dean/**

-  **Maybe u need hunter gf? /Cas/**

-  **Know any of those? /Dean/**

-  **No. I gotta go /Cas/**

I return with more beer and settle down on the couch again. My phone buzzes, but I ignore it.

"Sam tells me you were really good at investigations." Nick smiles and I glance at Sam.

"Oh, you know. Sam always overrated me."

"Did your brother overrate Cas too?" Nick asks innocently and I laugh. He is ridiculous.

"Nope. That one had a really good hang on what I was. Never failed to tell me how much I sucked." I tell him and see Sam narrow his eyes.

"You didn't suck Cas."

"Yeah, ok." I dismiss it. "So Sam! What's up with you? Was the trip alright?" I ask him and my phone buzzes again. I ignore it.

"Yeah, all good. Took me a while to find you, though. For a small town this one sure is confusing."

Nick laughs at that.

"That's exactly what I thought when I came here."

"So you're not local?" Sam asks and Nick shakes his head.

"No, I just came here five months ago. I got a job here to build some tailored furniture. Thought would only stay until I'm done, but then... I met this guy."

"Yeah, right!" I scoff. "Then you met Allie."

"Cas!" He growls. I know he doesn't like me tease him about Allie. "You fucking know it wasn't like that."

Sam chuckles and Nick stares at him.

"Sorry! Cas did tell me how you two met. It's hilarious."

"There was nothing hilarious about it. You try it!" Nick frowns. "Here I am, meeting the friends of the girl I kind of like – and come on, that of itself is nerve racking enough – and this guy trots in wearing his ridiculous Cow and Chicken T-shirt, all messy haired, looks at me with those freakishly blue eyes and I just know I fucking want him! And did he tell you the first thing that came out of his mouth when he saw me?"

"No, I don't think he did." Sam says smiling broadly. That guy knows me really well.

"He said 'Well finally, Mr. Sickeningly Perfect! Delighted to make your acquaintance' – can you imagine? I stand there, staring at him like a fucking fool, almost drooling on him, and he sasses me!"

Sam laughs at that and I join in. It was a fun night.

"What did you say?" Sam asks finally.

"He didn't have a chance to say anything, because Allie punched me and told me to stop being an ass to her oh so perfect boyfriend."

"Cas, I'm warning you!" Nick scowls.

"What? She did! Anyway I had loads of fun that night."

"It was a nightmare. He made fun of me at every opportunity and all I tried to do was impress him." Nick rolls his eyes as Sam laughs again. "Anyway, two weeks later I broke it off with Allie, because I couldn't stop thinking about this guy. We started dating and when my job was done, I just found more work to do and stayed."

"Love it how you stepped around the shitty part where Allie wouldn't speak to either of us for a month!" I tell him.

"She forgave us in the end. Get over it."

"Yeah, yeah." I nod and Sam asks Nick about his work. I take out my phone again. There are 2 messages from Dean.

-  **Did u meet any of ur brothers? /Dean/**

-  **Hey, where'd u go? /Dean/**

My lips twitch with the smile, but I hide it before Sam or Nick notices.

-  **Told u, got company /Cas/**

-  **And obviously – no /Cas/**

-  **Why obviously? /Dean/**

-  **Wouldn't live to text 'bout it /Cas/**

-  **U think they're still after u? /Dean/**

-  **Yes /Cas/**

-  **R u on the move? U should be on the move /Dean/**

-  **U r right, gotta go! /Cas/**

-  **Dick /Dean/**

"Cas, I've got to go already." Nick says suddenly and I look at him. Right, he did mention having to finish some big order tonight.

"Yeah, ok." I smile at him and I jump off the couch to lead him to the door. Nick shakes Sam's hand and promises he'll go out to the bar with us tomorrow. Before he walks out of the apartment, he pulls me into quick kiss and mutters he loves me. I smile at him but I don't have it in me to say the words. So I just ask him not to work all night, kiss him once again and head back to Sam.

"That guy is awesome!" These are the first words Sam says and I laugh loudly.

"Told you you'd be turned on by him!"

"Argh, not that! But seriously, he really is a goner for you."

"I know." I smile. "He's freakin' amazing."

"Why do I hear but?"

"There's no but, he is as good as they get."

"One question though – doesn't he remind you of someone?" He asks and I frown.

"Like a celebrity or something? I mean I watch a lot of TV, but I hardly know enough celebrities."

"No, not a celebrity." Sam says cryptically.

"Spit it out, Sam."

"You know – the guy, who cares for his family, college dropout, good with his hands, likes to help people, really good looking... Doesn't ring a bell?" He's smirking now and I roll my eyes.

"I fail to see the parallel." I smile. "Except when he's pissed – sure can see it then."

My phone buzzes. Sam narrows his eyes.

"You're texting Dean, aren't you?"

"Maybe" I grin.

"Oh shit!" He yelps suddenly and I grin broader. "Oh shit! How the hell did it take me so long?! You and Dean!"

I laugh at that.

"Stop right there Sam. There's no Dean and I. Never was, never will be."

"But, but..."

"Now who's the butt?"

"Shut up. Let me think..." I can almost see the wheels turning in his head. It's hilarious really. I know I could distract him, talk about something else or plain lie, but I just don't want to. Sam is the only person I can actually talk about this and, granted, he's not the best to talk to given he's Dean's brother, but I really, really need to get it out. Maybe once I've actually done that I'll be able to move past this nonsense.

"You're in love with Dean." He finally mutters.

"Well I wouldn't necessarily put it that way, but it's nice of you to finally catch up." I chuckle.

"How would you put it?"

"I told you once – I was stupid. I placed my affections in a colossally wrong place. And it's not really "in love" sort of thing – I was an angel then. We don't technically fall in love, but I... It's hard to explain. I suppose the easiest would be to say I let Dean become the core of my life. It was a reckless and stupid thing to do, but hey – those traits seem to define me pretty well."

"Oh my God!" Sam mutters.

"Honestly, Sam, enough with the parents!" I grin and he rolls his eyes.

"You've got to tell me everything." He says.

"Then I really will need a drink. Or like ten of them. How 'bout you help me set up for the dinner and I'll get us some drinks. Is tequila ok?"

"Yeah, ok. Dammit Cas, I'm pretty much speechless here."

"You're letting your imagination run wild. It's nothing like you think it is. There's nothing between me and your brother, ok? Never was, never will be. It really is as one-sided as it gets."

"It's just... Wow..."

"Should I start regretting telling you?" I ask seriously.

"No... No, of course not. Sorry, got a bit startled I suppose. Here I thought I knew you. Dammit, why didn't you tell me sooner?"

"I was kind of sure you'd get to it. I wasn't really hiding it too."

"Ok, you know what – you're a freakin' ex-angel, you're hard to read! Especially on a freakin' phone!"

I laugh again.

"Let's just get those drinks and talk, ok?"

As we walk to the kitchen I pull out my phone to check the messages.

-  **Srsly man, r u on the move? /Dean/**

-  **Drop it. Can take care of me /Cas/**

-  **Cas, pls come home /Dean/**

-  **No /Cas/**

"What are you texting anyway? I mean what do you two talk about?" He asks taking the plates.

"Random things. TV shows, you, your home… He asked me if Nammu was hot once." I chuckle.

"Yeah, that's Dean alright. Does he know about… you know?"

"If you mean does he know I let myself care about him a bit too much, then no. This is so not something he'd be caught talking about." I laugh. "Imagine your brother sitting through me telling him I got all chick flick on him."

"Yeah, he'd probably run off screaming."

"Apocalypse – sure, no problem. Any sort of feelings – no, thank you very much! Not that I blame him – I suppose I wouldn't want someone like me getting all emotional on me too."

I laugh and my phone buzzes.

"Besides," I continue ignoring my phone, "it's not something worth talking about. I just made a stupid mistake, the first in the string of many epically stupid mistakes."

I take out my phone to call and order pizza, but I first look at the text.

-  **Dammit Cas, do u have a death wish? /Dean/**

I call the pizza place and Sam and I settle on the couch to wait. I pour us the shots and we drink up.

"Ok, so tell me everything. How the hell did it happen?"

"Well… Where do I even start with this?" I sigh. "I suppose it started in hell. Fitting, all things considered. I know Dean doesn't like to talk about hell and come on, who can blame him? I don't think many would've been able to survive what he did and get out of it sane… Anyway, when I first saw him, he was… His soul shone through all the grime and filth of the pit. That's how I found him, you know. He shone. I looked at his soul and I understood why he was righteous and why half of my garrison died trying to save him. There were tendrils of evil creeping on the edges of his soul, but the core of it was… beautiful. He might've never sold his soul, could've never gone to hell and he still would've been righteous. So, I grabbed his tattered, aching soul and I pulled him out. He fought me all the way through the wheels and planes of the pit, begging to take someone worthier. Instead I burned those remnants of evil from his soul with my grace and returned it whole and untarnished to the body I rebuilt for him. He held on to me, you know? In the end, he held on and I had to coax him back to his own body. And when he opened his eyes for the first time, I knew he was significant."

"That's intense, man." Sam whispers and I grin.

"Tell me about it. I was an intense angel, even Uriel said so. Of course he was the funny one!"

"Yeah, he really wasn't. Uriel was a colossal dick." He groans and I pour us the second shots. I really need them in my system to carry on. My phone buzzes. Sam rolls his eyes.

"Just see what he wants."

-  **I'm gonna fucking find u and kick ur ass! /Dean/**

"Oh, the usual – he wants to kick my ass." I smile and put my phone down. I can't concentrate on this now. "So anyway… You know what happened next – I was assigned to watch over you two. In retrospect that was really stupid decision, but Zachariah made a whole lot of stupid decisions. So… I watched over you. And the more I got to know Dean, the more significant he seemed. I was such a fool, you know? I mean, I was fascinated by him, by his strength, by his defiance, by his ability to make choices, to live with doubt. He never did what was expected of him, always looking for a way out, never wavering and compromising for the greater good. Angels have a completely different set of values, you know? For us the wellbeing of one could have never been more important than the wellbeing of the lot. My brothers would have, and actually did, sacrifice me for a greater good in a heartbeat. While your brother was unwilling to sacrifice any human if it could be avoided. I was so fascinated by him…"

"Did you ever tell him that?" Sam asks suddenly.

"No, not in those words anyway. I did tell him he was worth saving."

"Yeah, that's the thing. He doesn't think he is. He does a lot of crazy shit because he thinks he's not worth being here, you know? Like he's trying to atone for things he did in hell."

"His perception on self worth is totally distorted." I agree.

"Something you managed to take in as well." Sam says but I shake my head.

"No, Sam. This is incomparable. I did what I did in my own free will. Dean did what he did after 30 years of torture."

"It doesn't…"

"Stop it, Sam. It does matter and it makes all the difference, so just stop it. I'm not talking about that. I don't deserve an absolution for my sins and you are not giving me one. Are we clear?"

"But…"

"I'm serious Sam. If you insist on talking about it, then I suppose I'll just leave you to it. Nick won't mind if I come visit."

"Oh for crying out loud! Fine, I won't talk about it. Dammit, you are surprisingly like Dean sometimes!"

"Why don't we drink to that?" I ask with the smile and we down the shots.

"Ok, so then the whole Lilith thing happened. I suppose you know more about that than I do. But that was when I decided to rebel. He was in the green room and… That was the first time I decided the wellbeing of one is worthier the wellbeing of all the others. I made my first ever choice and it was to help your brother. I knew that one choice would cost me everything, even then I knew it, but I did it anyway. And though I don't regret that choice, I wish I've known what I now do to stop myself from the string of choices I made later."

"Do you regret rebelling?" Sam asks me. I look at him and I'm surprised to see no judgment in his eyes. He really just wants to know.

"No, I don't regret it. I regret the reason I had for it. I wish I could tell you I did it because I realized Apocalypse is not what my father wished upon his favorite creations and this is why I rebelled, but that's not true. I rebelled because I couldn't bear to see Dean terrified and tortured by the guilt of breaking the first seal. Don't get me wrong, I didn't want the Apocalypse, but that alone wouldn't have made me rebel. And after that it just got out of hands. I had no idea how to handle my falling. I was cut off the Host, alone, weaker than ever and Dean… He had a lot on his plate too – freakin' Apocalypse. I saw him struggle through it, holding on for you, being incredibly strong through all of it and it was it. I knew I would do anything to help him, anything at all."

"That's when you… you know, fell in love?" Sam asks uncomfortably.

"It wasn't like that, Sam. When people fall in love they expect something in return, as in, you know, affection, sex, whatever. I didn't expect anything from your brother. I was there to help, just another weapon for him, nothing else. I was naïve and stupid, but I wasn't stupid enough to expect anything. And I was absolutely fine with that. It was the first time I actually felt anything so real and I really didn't need more. Dean let me be around and sometimes he even let me be around when I wasn't precisely needed. I was happy with that. The things got derailed when you and Dean started telling me I was your family. This is when it all became shitty."

"Why? You loved him! Why would it be bad for you to know he cared for you as well?"

"Because that was a lie. Not a conscious one, sure, but lie nevertheless. And I knew it was a lie, but I was too far gone and I chose to believe it…"

"What the hell are you talking about? Why do you think it was a lie? You are family!"

I look at him for a long moment, tilting my head. I haven't done it in a while, but this walk down the memory lane seems to be resurrecting some parts of an angel in me.

"You know, it's getting downright painful. I need some more of this tequila in me, before we go on." I tell him and as I pour the shots, my door bell jingles. "Can you get that? Should be our pizza. My wallet's on the kitchen table."

Sam walks to get the pizza and I take out my phone again.


	7. Chapter 7

-  **It's weird, u know. U could probably kick my ass now. Seems wrong /Cas/**

-  **I'm fucking pissed at u, but I wouldn't /Dean/**

-  **Not fond of hurting humans? /Cas/**

-  **Fool. Don't want to hurt u /Dean/**

"Dean?" Sam asks walking in and looking at my phone.

"Yeah. Discussing my ass kicking." I grin. We drink up and then each take some pizza and start eating.

"Why do you keep texting him?"

"Because I'm an idiot. Isn't it clear by now?"

"Yeah, but what about Nick?"

"What about him?" I look at him puzzled.

"I mean you're with Nick now. Shouldn't that kind of, I don't know, make a difference?"

"It does make a difference. I'm good with Nick, you've seen it. He's incredibly good for me, healthy, you know? I'm human with him and I'm important to him. But the thing I have for Dean… Dammit, it just is. It's constant, it's ever present. I hoped it would fade, you know? After losing my grace I was almost sure it would, because I thought it was based on my grace seeping into his soul as I dragged him out of hell. But it just never did! It changed, true, but it didn't disappear. It's like a part of me, of who I am. And I just can't find it in me to stop myself from reaching out to him. I managed to stop myself from going back, I found the strength to start living on my own, to be responsible for me, but I can't seem to deny myself this last bit of connection to your brother. And really – it's all your fault!"

"Hey, how is it my fault?" He frowns and I chuckle.

"Well weren't you the one jumping up and down my ass asking me to talk to him?"

"Yeah, but I didn't know you were epically in love with my brother!"

"I'm not epically in love with him. It's a thing, bond I have for him. Pretty sure it's similar to Stockholm syndrome."

"Yeah, yeah. From the sound of it, you're just stupidly in love with the wrong guy. Not that Dean's not worth loving, you know, but I'm pretty sure he doesn't swing that way."

"Or my way in general." I agree and we drink up again. Finally I start feeling the pleasant and numbing buzz of alcohol.

"Anyway, it still has nothing to do with Nick. This thing I have for Dean is not precisely romantic, you know? It's just… It's like a part of me, of whom I am and it just is. I never expected it to be romantic to begin with. I mean sure, your brother is really good looking and all, but it wasn't about it. And Nick… It's a complete opposite. It all started as pure attraction and nothing else. I think it can develop into something in time, but even if it does, I don't think it can replace the thing I have for Dean. They're just completely different things."

"I don't think Nick would see it that way, though." Sam says and I wholeheartedly agree.

"Yeah, he's got a thing with jealousy which I have to admit is strange for a guy that hot. You'd think I should be the jealous one in this relationship."

"You're not the one in love. Not with him anyway."

"I told you, it's not strictly in love thing I have for your brother. Anyway, enough of this. So where were we? Oh, right, the family thing. How do I explain that? I was fine with being just another tool or weapon in this war for your brother, but when you two started talking about the family… I was just so alone back then, so lonely all the time. In millennia of my life I've never been alone for a second, and all of the sudden I found myself being alone all the time. It sucked! And so when you told me I was part of your family I believed it despite knowing it wasn't the truth. You probably haven't noticed that, being his brother, but Dean is very particular in the way he is with the family. He often is exasperated, harsh even, but there's nothing he'd put before family. He sold his soul and died for you, he found a way to get Bobby's soul back for him, he always stood up for your father and he found the way to get his soul back too. That's how he is about all of you – strong, unwavering, doing whatever it takes. And it's even more than that – he always goes back to you. No matter what you do, he always comes back. And he used to go back to Bobby just the same – not because he needed, but because he wanted.

And then there's me. I mean I know he had grown to care for me – that's how he is. I was around for long enough for him to accept me, but… Do you realize not once did he call me when he didn't need my help? You know, just to grab a beer or speak to me or something. I didn't know it then, but in retrospect I can't believe how stupid I was. I mean look at you, for instance – here you are, sitting here with me, having lied your way through your brother just to come see me. That's what friends do, isn't it? You don't really need anything from me, but you're here anyway. That was never the case with Dean – I was only ever called for when he needed something. And that year in Cicero…" I take a deep breath here. "Those two years were the hardest in my too long life. I didn't have anyone, you know? Dean had left and never even glanced back. After all the talk about family… I had no one to turn to. Raphael gave me a choice – kneel before him or die and… I couldn't accept it. After all you two have sacrificed I couldn't let the Apocalypse be restarted. I'm not trying to justify what I did, I was an angel and I made a deal with the demon, but can you imagine the life where the only one you can actually turn to for help is a demon? Ok, you probably can…"

"Hey, you're an ass." He hisses and I sigh.

"Sorry. It's just freakin' hard to remember all this. I was so desperate and I needed him so much then… But it wasn't the nature of this thing I have for him. Not then, not ever. He's not there for me, that's not how it works."

"It hurt, didn't it?" Sam asks.

"Yeah, it hurt. If not for the whole family talk, I wouldn't have expected him to help me, but as it was, I did hope he'd spare a second to look if I was ok. He didn't. I should've known, that would've saved me a lot of pain. And don't get me wrong – I was glad he had found peace and family. I wanted him to be happy, always did and I still do, but… It just was painful, that's all."

Sam hands me a shot and we drink up.

"He should've called you." He finally says. "He should've… You know he didn't speak to Bobby for the whole year too? After I was gone, he just shut everyone out. He shouldn't have, but it wasn't just you he left behind."

"I… I didn't know that." I admit. "It doesn't matter though, because even though he never looked back, back then I still believed he cared. You should've seen Balthazar shouting at me after the whole Virgil thing. I was pissed at having used you two and he yelled and yelled at me saying I was an idiot and that you two wouldn't even blink before killing me if you knew what I was doing. That was one hell of the fight we had, I tell you. I said you'd understand why I was doing that. Actually told him that's what families do, can you imagine?" I laugh bitterly. "He said I was a fucking idiot and that Dean would be the end of me. All true."

"Cas, I'm…"

"Don't you go feeling sorry for me. That's not why I'm telling you all this. I just want to let it all go, ok? I brought it all on myself so no feeling sorry for me. Are we clear?"

"Jesus freakin'…" He starts and the takes a deep breath. I can see he's getting drunk and it's probably hard to concentrate. I'm sure he's doing his 'count to ten' thing. Finally he continues. "Cas – you are my friend. My best friend actually and I'm allowed to feel what I feel for you, ok? And if I'm feeling sorry and wish I had noticed how bad it was before, if I wish I was there for you then, well then that's what I'm feeling and you can just suck it up!"

I look at him for a moment. "You know, there are two things that I regret the most and none of them is consuming all those souls. What I regret the most is killing Balt and breaking your wall."

"Man, I'm sorry for Balthazar, he was a dick, but he did care about you a lot. But as for my wall – you fixed it. I have forgiven you ages ago and then you fixed it taking all that misery from me. We're cool man."

"Yeah, ok. We're cool!" I raise my shot and we drink up. I really am getting drunk, I need to finish it up as soon as I can or I'll get overly sentimental. Sam excuses himself to go to the bathroom and of course my phone buzzes.

-  **Is ur compny gone? /Dean/**

-  **No, why? /Cas/**

-  **Hate driknig alone. Thouht u drink w/ mre /Dean/**

-  **U're drunk. I'm drinkuing too. I like drukn u /Cas/**

-  **Cheers! /Dean/**

-  **Cheers! What r u drimking /Cas/**

-  **Whisky, u? /Dean/**

-  **Tequila /Cas/**

-  **Wish u wre here /Dean/**

-  **Me too /Cas/**

I know I shouldn't have sent that, but it's the truth and it's all a bit fuzzy in my head and I don't remember why I shouldn't have sent it. Sam comes back and we drink up again.

"Look, I'm getting wasted here." I tell him. "Is there anything in particular you want to know before I'm too drunk to form a thought?"

"Two things. What happened in purgatory and what happened on the day the angels fell?"

"That's a lot of talking, man!" I complain and he chuckles. Alright, we're both wasted.

"Ok, purgatory. I didn't know that killing leviathan would land you in purgatory. If I had known that I would have never allowed Dean to do it, despite how unstable I was back then. Anyway, when we landed there, I felt how out of place we both were. Dean was the only human in that horrible place and I knew he'd attract the beasts, but I was the only angel there and to top it off, I was the one who consumed all those souls. I knew they would be on me all the time. The beasts were bad, but I knew Dean could handle them. Leviathans though… That was all other level of bad and I didn't want them anywhere near him. So I left him alone, wandered as far as I could from him so that leviathans wouldn't feel him distracted by my presence. It worked better than I thought it would. Not only were they on my ass all the time, but I also felt… It was the way of atonement, you know? It was hard there and I had to run all the time, but it really felt fair. But then again, your brother is a stubborn fool who given the chance to get out of that place, decided to find me instead." The said brother has sent me a text. I look at it.

-  **Cheers buddy! /Dean/**

-  **Cheers! /Cas/**

"Drink up, Sam, we're drinking with your brother tonight!" I tell him and lift my shot.

"What are you talking about?"

"Dean didn't want to drink alone, so we're drinking with him." I grin.

"Did you tell him I'm here?" He asks bewildered.

"Of course not! Are you crazy? I want him to find me no more than I want him to kick your ass."

"Ok, good. He would kick my ass, you know that."

"Yeah, about that. Why did you agree not to tell him? I always wondered."

"Because you asked me not to and I saw it in your face – it was freakin' important for you. And come on, Cas! You are my freakin' friend!"

I stare at him for a long time. Finally I grin widely.

"You are my best friend too."

"You're getting sappy, man!" He laughs and I join in. "Ah, what the hell, how often do you get drunk with an ex-angel?"

He stands up, pulls me up and hugs me.

"Seriously Sam?" I laugh, but I hug him back. "Your brother would die from embarrassment seeing he raised a guy capable of such chick flick moments!"

"Shut up! You needed a hug."

"Yeah, it's about me." I nod seriously and burst out laughing. He lets me go and pours us the shots. The bottle is almost empty. Good thing I have one more. I pull out my phone.

-  **Drink up! /Cas/**

-  **Cheers. How drnk r u? /Dean/**

-  **Getting to wastd on fast track, u? /Cas/**

-  **Alredy there man! /Dean/**

"Ok, so Dean and Benny found me eventually. Wasn't expecting that really, I didn't even hide properly. Anyway, they told me there's a way out and they're heading there. I wished them good luck and all and was about to get out of their faces. But of course your brother started yelling at me, saying he'd hunt my ass down anyway and if he dies trying to find me it'll be on me… You know, the guilt trip. So I agreed to go with them. Benny hated me. I swear, he literally loathed me and I can't say it wasn't mutual. I actually envied how easily they interacted, you know? It was always so hard for me to be around Dean, to express what I was thinking and this guy comes along and they're suddenly working together as if they've known each other for ages!"

"Jealous much?" Sam actually giggles. It's so funny!

"Obviously! I mean, here I am, stupidly hoping your brother will find it in him to forgive me someday, to be my friend again and this guy comes along. And what I see is a friendship that I was craving so much and still was incapable of forming. I was pissed! You know, in a completely obnoxious, righteous way." Sam chuckles here. "But in the end Benny has proven to be the real friend. He saved my life once. I mean I'm not under any illusion that he did that for me, but still – he saved my life. And what's much more important – he saved your brother's life. So I suppose he's not all bad.

Anyway, I knew I wouldn't be going back with them. For one, I didn't think the portal would work on me. It was designed as a loophole should a human be accidentally thrown in there. It wasn't designed for angels. But that wasn't the most important thing. I just didn't want to go back. I've killed so many… I deserved to be there. Well, actually I deserve to be on a rack in hell, but beggars can't be choosers, right? So I knew I'd find the way to stay in the end. And I did. Dean tried to drag me through the portal, but I was an angel after all and… I pushed him through and stayed there.

But before all of this happened, I spent weeks travelling with them, with him… He never let me out of his sight, you know? I think he knew I'd try to double cross him, so he was always at my side. Even when he slept, he'd growl at me to sit by his side and he'd hold on to the hem of my coat." My thoughts drift to the handful of times when Dean moved in his sleep and wrapped his arm around me or put his head on my legs. I remember the time he woke up curled close to me, his arm draped loosely around my waist. It was a cold night and I know he was just instinctively looking for some warmth, but he woke up and he didn't pull back, he snuggled closer and without saying a word fell asleep again. But that's something I'm keeping to myself, regardless how drunk I am. Those are my best memories and I won't share them with anyone. Still, Sam looks at me as though he's about to say 'awww…' and I laugh.

"Anyway, that was that. They got out, I stayed. And then Naomi happened. And I really don't remember much of it. It's all jumbled and I'm way too drunk to concentrate. Speaking of which!" I get up and sway a little. That doesn't stop me from getting the second bottle. "Pour up!"

-  **U still ther? Cheers! /Cas/**

-  **I wanna call u /Dean/**

-  **No no no no. too drukn /Cas/**

-  **So? Wanna speak to u /Dean/**

-  **Nah. When I'm sobr, ok? /Cas/**

Sam and I drink up and I laugh, because he almost misses his mouth. We really are wasted.

"You know what, I think I'm too drunk to tell you about the angels falling… How 'bout I tell you about that tomorrow?"

"Yeah ok." He agrees. "I think I'm gonna crash anytime now… I hope I'll remember what you told me tomorrow or you'll gonna have to tell me again."

"No way man! This was one time deal. There's no way I'm ever speaking about it again." And it really is no way in hell. I stand up again and I sway heavily this time. "Come on, my room's there. I promised you bed, you get a bed."

"It's ok, I can stay here."

"Nope, get in there. I changed sheets and everything, so just go and sleep properly!"

"Thanks man, you're awesome!"

"I know, I know. You freakin' love me!"

"I think you've fallen for the wrong brother!"

"Argh, sorry man, but you're really not my type!" I laugh and he laughs with me.

"Nah, you're not my type too! If you were blond, had a bit more boobs, whole lot less dick then we could be talking!"

"Ah, Winchesters, as straight as they get! Ok, go to bed, before you fall asleep standing."

"Thanks for all of this man. Really, thanks."

"Yeah, yeah. You are a chick, you know?"

"Fuck you." He laughs and goes to my room.

I look at my phone and see one more message.

-  **Wanna hear ur voice /Dean/**

-  **Let's just drink /Cas/**

But my phone is buzzing, he's calling me. I think about it for a second, but it really is so hard to concentrate.

"You shouldn't be calling me." I tell him and he sighs.

"I know. You don't want to talk to me."

"That's not it."

"What's it then?"

"I don't remember, but I think I shouldn't be talking to you."

"Shut the hell up and drink with me then." He growls and I pour myself a shot.

"Cheers Dean."

"Cheers." He echoes and we drink. I feel so close to him now, as if he was right there, sitting next to me… Dammit, I missed him so freakin' much!

"Cas…" He begins but I cut him off.

"Don't say anything. Just… I don't want to hear anything."

"Ok." He mumbles and we're both silent for a long time. Finally, I break it.

"I'm glad you called."

"Yeah… Cas, I fucking need you here!" He mutters feverishly.

"Don't, don't Dean. Just… Let's just have one more drink and make it a proper goodbye."

"I don't fucking want a goodbye, I want you!" He growls.

"Please, Dean."

"Listen to me, Cas. I will find you, you hear me? I will find you! I found you in fucking purgatory, I will find you here too. And I'm not letting you out of my sight when I do. I will tie you to me if that's what it takes! You're not gonna get away again! You're supposed to be right here with me, you hear me?"

"Why? You seemed more than willing to let me go."

"And you always seem more than willing to get away from me!"

"I don't want to talk about this. Why can't you just let it go?"

"Did you?"

"I… You're messing with my head. How the hell do you always do that?" I wonder distractedly.

"I didn't too… I fucking can't let you go!"

"Have a drink with me Dean." I ask him.

"It's not an end man. I'm not giving up." He sighs. "Cheers, Cas. Thanks for drinking with me."

"Cheers." I drink up and hang up my phone.


	8. Chapter 8

"Sam, just kill me now." I mutter as I crack open my eyes and see him walk out of my room.

"Come on, man! It isn't that bad. You just need to eat something and you'll be better." He grins and I swear I'm torn between throwing up and wanting to shoot him.

"I hate you." I utter finally and hide my head under the pillow. I have to get up soon, I have work today, but dammit if I know how to get through it…

"I take it you don't drink often, do you?" He asks pushing my legs to the side and sitting at the end of the couch. The jostling sensation rips through me and I groan.

"Why the hell are you ok when it's so bad for me?"

"Well, for one, I drank a pint of water before crashing. That always helps."

"Well thanks for sharing, man."

"I had no idea you didn't know. Besides you handled it so well yesterday, I thought you're used to it!"

"Why are you shouting?"

"I'm not." He stands up again and I groan. Few minutes later he lifts the pillow from my head and hands me two pills of aspirin and a glass of water. "This will help, drink up you wuss."

"I'm never touching tequila again." I vow and Sam chuckles.

"Right."

I take a deep breath and make myself push up from the coach. My head threatens to burst open and my stomach lurches, but I manage to sit up.

"This freakin' sucks." I growl.

"You're grouchy in hangover." He laughs. "Go get a shower, you'll feel better. And I'll make some coffee."

"Thanks."

When I get back from the shower, I do feel a bit better. Just a bit though… I don't stink of alcohol anymore, which is good considering I'm about to go to work. My head doesn't pound that much too, probably aspirin is working.

I check my phone – it's becoming a compulsion, I should be worried – and see a missed call and a text. I check the call. It's Nick. Probably just wanted to make sure I'm ok. The text is from Dean.

-  **R u alive? /Dean/**

-  **Wish I weren't. This sucks big time. U ok? /Cas/**

-  **'m ok. Used to it. Get aspirin, it helps /Dean/**

-  **Got it already. How can u do this often? It's beyond me /Cas/**

-  **Used to it. Get some more sleep, that helps too /Dean/**

-  **Gotta go to work. Later. /Cas/**

"Dean?" Sam asks and I nod slowly and carefully.

"You Winchesters have something in your genes. He's ok too."

"He drinks too much." Sam says silently and I can see he's worried.

"How bad is it?"

"It gets bad and then it gets better. After you didn't come back he drank himself to sleep for a month. He pulled himself together for some time, but then that thing with the phone call happened and he started drinking again. After you two started talking again it became much better. He doesn't drink that much. But I suppose me going away must've pushed him."

I look at him for a long while.

"Do you think me being there would help him?" I finally ask and now Sam's staring at me.

"No, man. Not like that. If you wanted to go back, then maybe, but you really can't just leave everything so he feels better. What about you then?"

"What about me? Didn't you get it from all I told you yesterday? I would do anything for him."

"Dean would never want that, not this way."

"He asked me to come back."

"Yeah, but he needs you to want that and not just do it as another sacrifice."

"It's not sacrifice. You didn't really understand what I told you, did you. The wellbeing of one is more important than wellbeing of all the others. As in, all the others."

"Stop it, man! I know Dean and I know this is not something he'd want. You're happy here, you have a life you actually enjoy. Dean's selfish sometimes, but he's not that selfish – he wouldn't want you to come back just because you think it'd be better for him. Do you actually want to go back?"

"I don't want to be useless." I tell him. And it's the truth, I don't. It's not the answer though, because of course I want to go back. I want to be closer to him in any way or form he'd want, but the thing is… He doesn't really want that. I know he says he does and I'm sure he thinks so too, but it's the family thing all over again and this time I'm not going to fall for it. I know Dean well enough and Dean I know always wants me around for a specific reason. When I was an angel there were reasons for me to be there. And again, only for short whiles at the time. Now I'm just a human. Even if he does need me for something, where the hell am I suppose to go when he doesn't anymore? It's not like I can flap my wings and be out of there. And I need to eat and sleep and all those gritty human things. I would just be a useless load most of the time. It's better this way – if he needs my help he can always text or call me. "You're right, man. I really don't want to go back, I have a good life here and I have… Well Nick."

"Don't get me wrong, though! I'd be happy if you came with us."

"Nah, I like the things the way they are, let's just keep them at that."

"Off topic – I gotta ask. What's up with your crazy T-shirts?" Sam chuckles suddenly and I grin.

"What? I like them! This is actually one of my favorites." I'm wearing my Oggy and the Cockroaches t -shirt. It's awesome. I laugh. "If I wasn't sleeping with Nick by the time he got me my Dexter's Lab tee, I would've started then and there."

"Jesus freakin'… Warn the guy before saying something like that!" He scowls at me, but then grins again. "So cartoons?"

"Yeah, I love them! The one about the dog, Courage, is freakin' fantastic!"

"You know that all those are kind of old cartoons?"

"Yeah, but somehow I like them best. I have Cartoon Network here and it shows reruns constantly. Much better than those newer Japanese cartoons about dragon balls or something. Honestly, who in their right mind would name a cartoon Dragon Balls?"

Sam laughs at that.

"Ok, I really got to go. Not sure how am I supposed to stay awake the entire day, but not showing up at all is sadly not an option… My boss is a dick."

"Whose isn't?"

"How would you know? You don't work!"

"Yeah, but Dean bosses me around enough."

"You're right, Dean can be a dick!" I laugh and then stand up. "Ok, here's the key, feel free to do whatever you want. I have lunch at noon, if you want come meet me at the library. I assume Nick will be there too. If not, there's some food in the fridge, but I'm not sure how good it is. I don't cook…"

"Yeah, don't worry, I'll think of something."

"Great, see you later then."

/\/\/\

-  **Dean, do u drink too much? /Cas/**

-  **Whoa, great topic for small talk! /Dean/**

-  **Do u need small talk? /Cas/**

-  **Suppose not /Dean/**

-  **So? /Cas/**

-  **I drink the right amount /Dean/**

-  **U think Sam would agree? /Cas/**

-  **Probably not. He can be a bitch /Dean/**

-  **U remember 2014? /Cas/**

-  **Hard to forget, why? /Dean/**

-  **I thought about getting high /Cas/**

-  **Did u? U really shouldn't /Dean/**

-  **I didn't. I don't want to end up like that /Cas/**

-  **Good. I'd srsly kick ur ass and drag u to rehab /Dean/**

-  **Do u need ur ass dragged to rehab? /Cas/**

-  **I'm not a junkie /Dean/**

-  **U drink too much /Cas/**

-  **It's not ur problem anymore, is it /Dean/**

-  **It is /Cas/**

-  **Why? /Dean/**

-  **U know why. U need to get it under control /Cas/**

-  **It's under control /Dean/**

-  **Ok /Cas/**

It really isn't my business. I don't let him tell me what to do, why should he be any different? It just sucks though, because in the end it is my business, but I just can't do anything about it.

/\/\/\

When I get back home that night, Sam and Nick are sitting in the living room together, nursing a beer each. My vessel, well body, shudders when I think of alcohol, so I grab a can of cola and join them.

"What's up?"

"Sam here was telling me how you two met." Nick says and scoots a bit so I can sit beside him. I squeeze in and look at Sam, cocking my eyebrows. This should be interesting.

"Yeah, just told Nick how you saved Dean in that alley." He smiles and I swear I'm going to kick his ass later. The least I need is for Nick to know any more of Dean.

"It's an ancient history, Sam. I'm sure Nick's not interested."

"Like hell I'm not! Just because you're as tight lipped as you are, doesn't mean I won't use this opportunity to know you better. So suck it up and shut up. Sam, you were saying?"

Sam chuckles as I frown. I assume Nick's hand on the small of my back is supposed to sooth me, but I'm edgy as hell. One more lie I need to remember, great!

"So there's not much more than that." Sam says. "Dean and I were working on this case that involved human trafficking. We were tracking this woman, Lilith, who was orchestrating the thing, finding helpless people, promising them a way out and then sending them to hell. Well not literally, but you get the gist. So anyway, we were on her tail when Dean followed the lead of our informant. Turns out it was a trap. He got attacked, beaten half to death. If Cas wouldn't have found him and dragged him from that hell to the hospital, he would've been dead now."

"So you're a hero." Nick says with a soft smile.

"Hardly." I shake my head. "It was pure luck. I was just walking by, could've been anyone."

"Shut up Cas. You saved him and you know it. Anyway, I didn't meet Cas then. By the time I got to the hospital, he was gone. It took us a while to find him, because all Dean remembered was that he was dragged to hospital by some dude in a trench coat."

"You wore a trench coat?" Nick asks me incredulously and both Sam and I laugh at that.

"All the time!" Sam says.

"Not in a creepy way, though!" I add laughing, but Sam ruins it all.

"A little creepy!"

"Ok, ok! In my defense, suit was a must at work. And I just happen to have a trench coat so I saw no reason why I shouldn't wear it."

"You wore a suit?! Man, I would've liked to see that!"

"You've never seen him in a suit?" Sam asks grinning.

"No, he refuses to even come close to one. Did you know that his boss has actually threatened to fire him if he didn't wear something more formal to work? His crazy t-shirts don't really scream 'respectable and competent', do they?"

"What did you do?"

"Well, I still wear my t-shirts to work." I smile. "Apparently it was an empty threat. Besides, how else could he find an expert in ancient philosophy in this town? He growls at me from time to time, but I just told him to fire me if he must. I am not wearing suit ever again."

"You're a stubborn ass, aren't you?"

"It would seem so." I agree.

"Ok, so getting back to the story…" Nick prompts.

"Right, so we looked for him, spoke to hospital staff and so on. Finally though, he showed up on his own. One day he just marched into the hospital and came to see Dean. He introduced himself and you know, we just spoke. He saved my brother, I will never be able to repay him."

"Come on, Sam…"

"Shut it. It's the truth. Anyway, after Dean got better, we started working on a case that actually required some knowledge in ancient history and artifacts and since Cas had told us he had a degree in that, we suggested Bureau to take him on as an advisor. We've been working with him for couple of years after that."

"I would never have thought there are many cases that require knowledge in Cas' area of expertise." Nick wonders and I have to agree with him. Sam doesn't, of course.

"You'd be surprised. It was actually a huge loss for the Bureau when Cas decided to stop working with us."

"Yeah, about that, what…"

"Stop it Nick. I don't want to talk about that." I cut in and look at him seriously. "This is prying and we've talked about it."

"Fine, fine." Nick agrees, but I can see he's pissed. What is it with his need to know everything? The door bell jingles then and Nick stands up. "I ordered Chinese, hope you don't mind?"

"No, it's fine. I think I might actually eat something." I smile at him and he rolls his eyes.

"You're such a lightweight, Cas."

"Shut up and get the door."

As soon as Nick leaves I look at Sam.

"I don't want you to tell him anything more, ok? These half lies are hard to remember and besides, it's the past, I don't want him to know it."

"Ok, ok." Sam agrees. "He just asked how I met you, what was I supposed to do?"

"It's fine, but nothing more, ok?"

"Yeah, ok. But you can't expect him to stop asking questions. He loves you it's only natural he wants to know you."

"I thought when you love someone, you actually respect that said someone's boundaries." I frown.

"No, that's just how they get you. It's pure lie!" He actually grins at me and I roll my eyes.

"You humans are beyond confusing."

Nick returns with our food and we settle to eat. My phone beeps and I look at the text.

-  **Do u know what Sam's thing is? /Dean/**

-  **3 things: sounds dirty, yes, can't talk now /Cas/**

I turn the sound off and put my phone to the pocket. I really can't get into the texting thing with Nick being right here. Of course my phone buzzes, but I just continue eating.

"Is your order done?" I ask Nick.

"No… I'll have to head back there after dinner. Sorry, Cas."

"It's ok, I get it."

"I was kind of hoping to get out for drinks with you guys."

"Trust me, Nick, there will be no getting out for drinks tonight." I scowl. "I can't even think about drinking."

"Tomorrow then?" He laughs and Sam joins him.

"You two suck." I groan and then add making them laugh even more. "Maybe tomorrow. Will you finish before Thursday?"

"I will. There's no way I'm missing this getaway – 4 days, just you and me. Awesome!" His hand slides right back to the small of my back.

I smile at that. I really do need a getaway. Having Sam visiting is great, but he brings all the memories of the life I'm trying to put past me and really – 4 days with Nick alone will be a much needed distraction. I let my mind wonder for a second and Sam clears his throat. I laugh.

"I think we're freaking Sam out."

"I take it you weren't in a relationship when you two worked together?"

"Really, Nick, from what you know about me, do I look like I've been in a serious relationship before?"

"Good point. You totally suck at this."

"Ok…" Sam mutters uncomfortably. He's funny when he's uncomfortable. "To make it less awkward – what are you building?"

Nick starts telling him about this order he's working on and I glance at my phone again. I just can't seem to stop myself.

-  **Geez! Never talk to me about Sam in dirty context! /Dean/**

-  **So what r u doing? /Dean/**

-  **Got company, can't talk now /Cas/**

"Ok, I really have to go." Nick says once he finishes his beer. "Tomorrow we all go out, alright?"

"Yeah, sure." Sam agrees and shakes Nick's hand. I walk him to the door.

"Cas, is there something I should be worried about?" He suddenly asks me wrapping his arms around my waist. I suppose I'm just too distracted with Sam being here and Dean… Well, Dean.

"We're good, Nick." I tell him and I kiss him.

"You'd tell me if there was something, right?"

"Relax. We're ok, really. Sam just brought back some memories I want to put past me, that's all. He leaves, we'll get out of town and it will all be over, ok?"

"Yeah… I wish I could stay with you tonight."

"I don't think Sam would enjoy the show if you would." I chuckle and Nick kisses me.

"I guess we'll just have to catch up once I have you on your own then. For other's sake, I hope the walls are thick in that Inn…Or I won't stop until we get the standing ovations…" He drawls and winks.

"Go now. Not much of a getaway if we have to spend the weekend in your workshop."

"Ok, ok. Don't drink too much, you're grumpy when you're hangover."

"Get out, Nick." I laugh and with the last kiss I push him out the door. I head back to my living room and settle on the couch again.

"Do you want to watch a movie?" I ask Sam. "I'm really not in a mood to go out today…"

"I can see that. You are a wuss."

"Bite me."

"Fine, let's watch a movie. Do you have something in mind?"

"I wanted to see a Bond movie. Jake leant me "Die Another Day", but I haven't gotten around to watching it yet."

"Yeah, sounds good. Brosnan was the best Bond since Connery."

I put on the DVD, bring another beer for Sam and cola for me and we settle to watch it. Somewhere along the way my phone buzzes.

-  **Btw, we're coming home on Monday /Dean/**

-  **? /Cas/**

-  **If u decide to come home sooner /Dean/**

-  **U r unbelievably stubborn /Cas/**

-  **Ur company left? /Dean/**

-  **Partly, why? /Cas/**

-  **U r texting /Dean/**

-  **Watching movie, have time /Cas/**

-  **What movie? /Dean/**

-  **Die another day /Cas/**

-  **Good one. Sam had a crush on Pierce /Dean/**

I laugh at that. Sam stares at me.

"Sorry. Dean says you had a crush on Pierce Brosnan."

"That's a filthy lie! Just because he was indecently infatuated with Harrison Ford, doesn't mean I had a man crush too!"

I laugh loudly at that.

"A man crush! You're adorable, you know that?"

"Shut up and watch the freakin' movie. You're missing all the good parts with all that texting."

"You mean the parts where Pierce is all cute and sexy?"

"Bond is not cute!" He scowls and I just laugh more.

"But sexy, right?"

"You're an ass!"

-  **I'll ask Sam about that /Cas/**

-  **He'll deny. And don't listen to the word he says about Harrison Ford /Dean/**

-  **Ur crush? /Cas/**

-  **Man, Indiana Jones! /Dean/**

-  **Lol! /Cas/**

-  **Wait till u get inappropriate and stupid crush! /Dean/**

-  **Who says I haven't got 1? /Cas/**

-  **Who? /Dean/**

-  **Nah. Not gonna tell /Cas/**

-  **Bet it's dr. sexy /Dean/**

-  **Nope, not my type /Cas/**

-  **I'll figure it out /Dean/**

-  **Btw, r u feeling better? /Dean/**

-  **Yeah. Can't even think about anything with alcohol /Cas/**

-  **Get some sleep, it'll pass /Dean/**

-  **R u ok? /Cas/**

-  **Why wouldn't I be? /Dean/**

-  **No reason, just asking /Cas/**

He doesn't say anything else for a long while. The movie is almost over when my phone buzzes again.

-  **I'm not drinking tonight /Dean/**

-  **I'm glad. If u need to talk about it, call me /Cas/**

-  **U don't want to talk to me /Dean/**

-  **That's bullshit and u know it /Cas/**

-  **I want to see u /Dean/**

-  **I'd rather not. U gonna kick my ass /Cas/**

-  **U deserve it! /Dean/**

-  **Not fond of it anyway /Cas/**

-  **Did u speak to Sam today? /Dean/**

-  **Yeah. He's ok /Cas/**

-  **Where is he? /Dean/**

-  **I can't tell u that /Cas/**

-  **Cas, does he know where u are? /Dean/**

-  **No /Cas/**

-  **I'll find u anyway /Dean/**

-  **That sounds stalkerish, lol /Cas/**

-  **Dick! /Dean/**

"You haven't told me about the day the angels fell." Sam tells me after the movie's over. I stare at him for a long while and then sigh.

"I really don't have it in me to tell that story tonight… Can we talk about this tomorrow?"

"Sure. Is everything alright?"

"Yeah, it's ok. It's just… Talking about those things is like opening a wound that hasn't healed properly. I know it's good for me, to let all that abscess out, but it's very hard and after yesterday… I just don't think I'm ready yet."

"It's fine Cas. You don't have to talk about it at all. I do want to tell you couple of things though. About Dean. I was thinking about the things you said and how you're sure he doesn't care for you, but I just think you're wrong. No, hear me out." He doesn't let me interrupt. "I'm not saying Dean reciprocates that thing that you have for him, but that doesn't mean he doesn't care about you. I know my brother, Cas. He's horrible with words, especially when it comes to feelings. My father spent our entire childhood telling Dean that his one and only priority is to take care of me. He hadn't had a chance to be a kid and whenever something happened to me, a bump or a scrape, dad would always tell him he's not doing his job. He grew up knowing two things – he is not good enough and he needs to take care of me.

When Dean allows someone else to enter our family, he extremely careful with that, because to him family means someone he has to take care of, someone who will leave him in the end and someone who has the ability to hurt him. That's how he views family. He would never be able to put that in words, hell, I don't think he even knows the words that are meant to tell how he feels. But he knows the actions.

And then you came along. At first sure, you were just a really powerful guy who for some unknown reason wanted to help him. But then… Look, when you needed help back when you were falling he helped you without a word. Yes, he's grumpy and he tells bad jokes, but it's what he does that matters. And what he did was taken care of you when you needed him. You hurt him. You lied and manipulated him, you hurt me – something I was sure he'd never forgive – and yet he kept coming back to you. And then you left him, both in purgatory and now, but he still found you there and he's still reaching out for you here."

"Listen, Sam… I know you mean well, telling these things, but… Look, you left Dean for a few days to come to me and he freaked out enough to ask me about it three times and then he got wasted. And that's you leaving for four days. This is how Dean reacts to possibility of family leaving him. When I told him I'm going back to heaven for good, he rolled his eyes, said 'yeah, ok, so what do you need, how can I help?'. That's how your brother reacts to me leaving. Do you see the difference?"

"I don't know what happened there, but I just know, dammit, I know you're important to him! You weren't there every time he thought you were dead. You weren't there, when he drank himself to sleep for weeks after souls, or when he had to leave you in that mental facility with Meg, or when he came back without you from purgatory, or when you didn't come back after angels fell! You weren't there we he literally stopped talking after he found out you made a deal with Crowley! You weren't there when he called Death while you were high on souls and the thing he asked him was not to kill you, but to save you and that's after you fucking broke my wall and poured your wrath on all those people! How can you let that one time define him after all and everything you two have been through?"

"Sam, please…" My hands are shaking now. I can't go through this again, dammit. Not again!

"Cas, just talk to him! Ask him!"

"I shouldn't have told you." I say silently.

"You should have and you know it! I'm your friend Cas and I fucking love you! It pains me to see you hurt about something that might not even be true!"

"Alright, Sam. I'll try to explain once again, but after that I'm through talking about any of this, are we clear?" I wait for him to nod and he does so, albeit reluctantly. "Fine. What you fail to understand is that I don't think Dean doesn't care about me. He's a human, for crying out loud, of course he grows attached to people around him. Or angels, whatever. What I'm trying to say to you is that even though he does, it makes absolutely no difference. Because this thing I have for him is not an 'in love' sort of thing. If it was, I could probably just move past it, but it freakin' isn't. It's not a human thing, I have, it's as celestial as it gets. I don't want or need anything from him – all I want is for him to be happy. All I want is to help him be happy, do you get it? And it's not normal, not human. What Nick and I have is human – it's base attraction, liking of each other and this could possibly turn into an 'in love' sort of thing. For Dean… There is nothing I wouldn't do for him. As in nothing. As long as I'd think this is good for him, I would do anything, do you understand? Do you realize how dangerous it is? Well not anymore, seeing there's very limited of what I can do, but before… And I did do it! I became a freakin' God! I killed my brothers and sisters! I killed my friends… And if he needed it, I'd do it all again… Do you get now how bad it is for me to be around him? Do you realize how dysfunctional it is? And I finally found it in me to stay away, because there's nothing I could give him anymore. I'm better away from him and what's even more important – he's better away from me. And here you are telling me he needs me and that's just not good, because if I let myself believe it, nothing will stop me from going back."

"Cas, it's not…"

"No, let me finish. I don't believe he needs me, because he always needs me for something and there's just nothing left to give. He's better off without me and I'm better off here. And finally, I just don't want to be useless around him. I'm fine with being useless here, but I don't think I could handle being useless there, with him."

"So you literally would do anything for him?" Sam asked me in a curious tone.

"I literally would." I agree.

"That's intense, man!"

I laugh. It really is intense; crazy is probably the better word.

"So are we done with this? I don't want to talk about it ever again."

"Just last question though. I know I'm gonna regret asking, but hell I just want to know. And please, no gritty details, just yes or no."

I look at him confusedly.

"What is it you want to know?"

"Are you attracted to Dean? You know, that way?" I swear he blushes asking that and even though it is uncomfortable as hell, I laugh anyway.

"You know I'd kill you if you ever told him?" I finally ask.

"Is that a 'yes'?"

"Well, it's not a 'no'. I don't know, Sam. When I was an angel, I didn't really let myself think about this. It didn't seem to matter that much – he was the core of my existence anyway. It's hard to judge it objectively – how'd you know if you're attracted to someone when there's nothing you wouldn't do for that someone? I mean he is a good looking guy, no doubts about that, but I haven't seen him since falling and I just don't know. But then again – who am I kidding? If the opportunity would have presented itself, I'd have certainly had sex with him."

"Argh, man!"

"You asked! And it's not like it could ever happen anyway, so just suck it up."

"And what about Nick?"

"I'm definitely attracted to Nick." I tell him with a smile. "And whenever the opportunity presents itself, I do have sex with him!"

"Man! That's not what I meant! And thanks a lot for a mental image, you're scarring me for life!"

"Oh come on! It's actually pretty hot."

"Oh my freakin'…" He growls and I laugh. "I meant, how come it doesn't clash? The thing you have for Dean with the thing with Nick."

"They are just completely different, that's all. Besides, it's not like I'm cheating on Nick – there's absolutely nothing happening between me and Dean."

"I don't think he'd see it that way."

"Yeah, well that's why he will never find out about the freakin' thing!"

"Dude, it's all just so complicated!"  
"Yeah, because you somehow are trying to put Nick and Dean into the same slot of my life when in fact they are nowhere near. Anyway, I think we had enough of this soul to soul. I swear, Dean was right about you and your need to talk things out!"

"Oh shut up! You needed to talk just as much. And must I remind you – you did all the talking."

"Yeah, and you did all the psychoanalysis! Thanks a lot, man, I feel fucked with and not in a good way."

"You're an ass!"

"Again with the love, Sam?" I laugh. "Anyway, I really need to get some sleep. Do you mind if we turn in?"

"Nah, I think this heart to heart got to me too."

"Well finally! By the way, the next time you want to talk, could you please go harass Dean? He must've missed that dearly!"

"Shut up. It's not like I made you talk!"

"Exactly! You're sneaky that way – I didn't even notice how I spilled my guts."

"Ass."

"Alright Sam. Sorry about that, you're right, I needed to get all of that out. I still have a hope I might actually move on." I grin at him. "Thanks, man."

And of course then he's hugging me and I just can't stop myself.

"You're such a girl, Sam!"

"And you slowly, but surely are turning into Dean!"

/\/\/\

-  **Cas, u there? /Dean/**

-  **Where else would I be? /Cas/**

-  **Smartass. I got to ask u smthng /Dean/**

-  **? /Cas/**

-  **Do u want to see me? At all /Dean/**

-  **I shouldn't /Cas/**

-  **Not what I asked /Dean/**

-  **I know. I still shouldn't /Cas/**

-  **Is that a twisted sort of yes? /Dean/**

-  **Yes. Missed u /Cas/**

-  **Funny way of showing it /Dean/**

He's right, of course. But then again – I do this strange sort of texting with him every day.

-  **Miss u too. I'll come for u /Dean/**


	9. Chapter 9

Today was one of those quiet days at work – very few visitors and the ones that did come in were the regulars, so not much work to do with them too. I texted Dean around noon, but an hour later got a reply he couldn't talk, so not much of the distraction there too. And so I end up doing a lot of my translations, which is great, when I think of it, since I'm off until Monday.

When I come back from work, I find Nick there alone.

"Where's Sam?" I ask sitting on the chair in the kitchen. Nick's making something to eat and I briefly wonder how did I not notice how my cabinets and fridge got stocked so that he can actually cook when he's here.

"He went out to get some veggies. I didn't bring them and it turns out he likes eating healthy."

"You know you don't have to bring food here? I'm fine with living on take out."

"Yeah, yeah. But I do like cooking and you do like my food so shut up and enjoy."

There's a knock on my door then and I roll my eyes as I walk towards it.

"Seriously Sam, I'd be worried it's Alzheimer's – did you forget the keys?" I say opening the door. And that's when I freeze, because the guys standing there is definitely not Sam. "Dean."

And just like that, just like so many times before, I stand there and stare at him feeling my entire attention span coil down to him alone.

"Hi Tim." He mutters finally and I get it. I sent an email to Sam with my address in it. I signed it as Tim as a joke, but now that I think of it, Dean would know Tim, because that's what my number was named in Sam's phone when we first spoke. And Sam did mention he and Dean are using the same email account. How could I have forgotten that?

"Sam was supposed to delete it."

"Yeah, well Sam's sloppy sometimes."

"Is that Sam? That was fast!" I hear Nick shout and then he pokes his head out of the kitchen. When he sees it's not Sam, he comes closer. It's surreal, really.

Dean's eyes dart to him and then back to me.

"Cas?" Nick asks at last, looking at me questioningly.

"Sorry." I tear my eyes off Dean and look at Nick. "Nick, this is Dean. Dean – Nick."

Nick's eyes widen a little and then he steps closer, his right hand raised for a handshake while his left one slides straight to the small of my back, confidently, possessively. And honestly it's hilarious and I can't keep my face straight, my lips twitch with the smile. It's absurd how threatened he is by Dean of all people. In the mean time Dean shakes his hand, but his eyes dart to where Nick's left hand is.

"Nice to meet you at last." Nick says pleasantly. "I've heard much about you."

"Funny. Cas didn't mention you once." Dean replies looking at me again. I feel Nick's gaze on me for a second and I just know we're going to have that conversation again. Dammit, I hate that 'how do relationships work' conversation!

"It is funny, since your brother knew perfectly well I am Cas' boyfriend." Nick says with a fake smile. "But I suppose he  _is_  Cas' friend."

"Nick, that's enough." I tell him and I brush the back of my hand against his thigh. He relaxes slightly. "What are you doing here, Dean?"

"I told you I'd find you." He says still staring at me. "I want to talk to you."

"Is he bothering you?" Nick asks me silently narrowing his eyes. I imagine how this should sound to him.

"Listen man, stay out of this." Dean tells him angrily. "I just want to speak to Cas."

"I don't think it's a good idea, Dean." I finally tell him.

"Yeah well, screw you! You're talking to me even if I have to shout through the fucking door." He growls and I feel Nick's hand tighten on my back.

"Look, pal! I don't know who do you think you are, but if Cas says he doesn't want to speak to you then you really need to clear out."

"I thought I told you to stay the hell out of this!" Dean hisses at Nick and I roll my eyes.

"Enough!" I tell them both. "Is this a freakin' pissing contest? Nick, I'll speak to him. He came a long way and I'm going to talk to him."

"What? The guy's a douche, you don't have to…"

"Stop it, Nick." I cut him off and step aside to let Dean in. The idiot is actually smirking at Nick. I'm going to be in such a deep trouble for this. "Come in. Living room's that way."

I turn back to Nick.

"What the hell, Cas?" He asks me frowning.

"Don't be mad. Look, we didn't exactly part on the best terms, but it's not what you think it is." I wrap my arms around his waist. It's for Nick's benefit, I don't want to send him away worried. "There's nothing between me and him, ok? There never was and there never will be. I'm much more likely to sleep with Sam and you know that guy is so not my type and as straight as the freakin' board!"

I actually manage to get a chuckle out of him.

"Look, let's just meet in a bar in an hour or so, ok? Allie and Jake will be there and I'll come with Sam, probably. Unless he'd rather stay with his brother."

"You're sure?" He asks sliding his hands into the back pockets of my jeans. It's such a possessive thing to do that I just grin.

"I'm sure." I tell him and I kiss him slowly. I can almost feel Dean's eyes boring into the back of my head, but I ignore him.

"Don't be late." He mumbles resting his forehead against mine. "And turn off the gas in the kitchen or you'll burn the damned house down."

I chuckle and push him out of the door closing it behind him. I take a deep breath preparing myself for what's to come but before heading to the living room I do go and turn the gas off. Finally I pad towards the living room.

"So… Boyfriend, huh?" Those are the first words Dean says and I nod. "I didn't know you… I mean, since when do you even swing that way?"

I laugh hard and long at that.

"Apparently, since forever." I finally tell him.

"Why didn't you tell me? I asked you about the girlfriend."

"Nick is certainly not a girlfriend."

"You're a dick, Cas."

"Yeah, you said that already."

"Is he the reason you don't want to come home?" He asks me and locks his gaze with mine.

"No, he has nothing to do with that. I decided not to go back way before I met him."

"Why?"

"I told you why. I'm human now."

"That's not an answer and you fucking know it. What the hell, Cas?"

"Well, what do you want to hear, Dean?"

"I want to know why after all we've been through you didn't come back to us."

"Ok, fine. I didn't come back to you, because as a human I am completely useless in your way of life."

"Useless? Are you fucking kidding me? What does it have to do with your usefulness? You are family!"

"Enough with the family! I'm not your brother!"

"No, that you are not." He says thoughtfully. "Where is my brother, now that you mentioned him?"

"You're not going to like it." I tell him seriously, but my lips twitch with the smile. "He's buying vegetables. Two days of take out and he can no longer take it."

Dean actually groans at that.

"How the hell did I raise a fucking grass eater?"

"I'd say it's a colossal fail on your side." I nod. "Did you also teach him to hug people a lot?"

"And here I thought I did things right!"

"Well, you raised ecologically conscious, healthy eating, sensitive guy, who likes to talk about feelings a lot. Go figure."

"Did he go all touchy – feely on you?"

"Two days of that crap. I'm spent." I agree and he actually grins at me. I look at that tiny little smile and it twists my insides into a tight knot. Ok, attracted, check! Dammit. "You want some soda?"

"Soda? Really?" He smirks.

"Yes, really. Sam and I cleaned my stash and honestly, I don't think I can smell liquor yet."

"Ok, bring on the soda." He resigns and I bring two cans of cola.

"You like cartoons?" He asks, looking at my Courage, the Cowardly Dog t-shirt.

"What gave me away?" I ask and we're silent for some time.

"So this is your life now?" He finally says.

"This is it." I nod. "You're not impressed, I take it."

"Quite the other way around. I'm impressed you did it all on your own."

"Well, not really on my own. I used the documents you gave me all those years ago."

"You kept them?" He's surprised.

"Luckily." I tell simply, but honestly – of course I kept them. That was the only thing he had ever given me.

"Why the hell didn't I think of that? I looked for you in every way possible and it didn't occur to me to check that alias."

"Cas Jones, at your service." I smile.

"Cas, man, I gotta ask. Why the hell did you hide from me? I mean fine, you don't want to go home, but why would you hide? From me. You told Sammy, but you hid from me."

I look at him for few seconds thinking how can I tell him this. I really can't.

"It seemed the right decision at the time."

"Yeah, but why?" He asks a bit desperately. "I mean, you and me… It's always been you and me, how the hell did it become you and Sammy?"

I look at him puzzled. I'm not sure, of course, but I think he feels… betrayed.

"It'd never become Sam and I." I tell him slowly, looking at him. "It'll always be you and I."

"Then why Cas?"

I sigh heavily. Fine, maybe I should just tell him and get it over with.

"I told you already. I came to you that night, before going back to heaven. I wanted to say goodbye to you. It was my last night on Earth and I thought I'd use the last chance to be around you. Not Sam, not anybody else. And… Well, you were not really interested in a chick flick moment, so I didn't bother to actually say goodbye, so you know, I just was there. I suppose I should actually apologize about the whole thing, I saw how uncomfortable you were, how much you wanted to get away and yet I chose to hold you back for a while… Anyway, by then it was pretty clear that whatever 'you and I' thing was, it was over. You didn't want to be there and you were sure as hell not interested in Hallmark goodbyes. And then I left for the heaven. It didn't work out the way I wanted and you know what happened. We all fell. Still it didn't change the fact that I couldn't go back, that I had nowhere to go. So I just left on my own and that's that."

Dean stands up from the couch and starts pacing across the room.

"So let me get this straight. You didn't come back, because I didn't want to say goodbye to you? How does that make sense to you?"

"No. I didn't come back, because I knew you didn't want me to. And the least I wanted was to drop my useless self on your hands."

"And why exactly do you think I didn't want you to come back?" He asks carefully.

"Am I speaking a different language here?" I frown. "After all those years and everything we've done you wouldn't spare a second to say goodbye to me. How much clearer could you have shown me that you have no interest in seeing me again?"

He stops and stares at me and I swear his jaw literally drops.

"That's what you got from that?!" He growls finally. "That I don't  _care enough_ to say goodbye?! You're a fucking idiot!"

The next moment he's pulling me up from the couch and as soon as I stand up, he grabs the back of my head and crashes his mouth to mine. It's graceless and feverish, too much teeth and the angle is weird, but… It's everything. My mind focuses on the feeling of his insistent mouth on mine, on his tongue licking at the seam of my lips, at the feeling of it brushing against and at my tongue as I finally open my mouth. My whole being clings to him, even though I keep my body rooted to the spot. There's an explosion of different sensations and feelings rushing through my so human body, body that is not meant to contain this celestial need, this longing I have for him. I jerk away from him, my body shaking slightly.

"What the hell are you doing?" I croak.

"Something I should've done ages ago." He groans and pulls me back into his arms. He kisses me slowly now, exploringly, but his hold on me is tight and solid and dammit do I want him! I let my body react and as soon as I do that my arms are wrapped around him and I'm deepening the kiss. He lets out a silent almost mewling sound that goes straight to my dick and I swear I'm getting dizzy with need for him.

This is when I hear a key being pushed into the lock of my door and I jump back, out of his grasp. He looks at me stunned and I take a deep breath to steady myself.

"Sam." I finally mutter and I brush my fingertips across my lips. Did this really happen? Did he really kiss me? Me?

"Cas, are you here? There's Impala out…" He cuts himself off as he sees Dean standing in front of me in the living room.

"I know Sam." I tell him. "Apparently you suck at deleting emails."

"Oh shit!" It's such a palm – face moment that I actually chuckle at him. "Sorry man! I freakin' forgot!"

"You're apologizing to him?! Him?!" Dean growls. "You fucking lied to me! Again!"

"Dean," I start softly, "I asked him not to tell. Don't be mad at him, he just helped a friend."

"I don't care! Sam, you fucking idiot! You had to tell me! This delusional brat thought I didn't want him to come back, did you know that?"

"Well I tried to tell him that's a load of bull, but you try talking to him!"

"I would have, if you had told me where he is!" Dean is almost shouting now.

"Hey!" I yell at them both. "That's enough."

"This is so not over." Dean growls at Sam. "Dammit Sam, by the time I'm through with you, I swear you'll forget how to fucking lie! But… I have to speak to this idiot now, so… You know, clear out, I want to speak to him alone."

Sam looks at me questioningly and I hesitate. I shouldn't stay alone with Dean. It's confusing as hell to be with him and really… I should go with Sam, meet Nick and just tie myself to him. But fuck it, I want to stay alone with Dean.

"It's ok, Sam. Nick went to the bar already, Jake and Allie should come soon. You can join them and I'll be there soon too."

"Yeah, ok." He agrees and turns to his brother. "If you kick his ass, I'll kick yours."

Dean snickers but says nothing until Sam is out of my apartment. He turns to me again.

"Are you sure there's nothing between Sam and you?" He finally says. "I haven't seen him like that for a while."

"You're an idiot, Dean." I roll my eyes. "Do you realize I just asked him to go meet my boyfriend?"

"Right, you have a boyfriend these days…" He drawls and steps closer. I take a step back.

"What are you doing Dean?" I ask him silently. "You do understand I'm not a freakin' toy, right?"

"A toy." He says and I see the anger flare in him. "First a tool, then a weapon and now a fucking toy! What the hell am I doing to come out as a douche who only uses you?!"

"Do you want me to give you a list?" I ask frowning.

"Fuck you! Yes, I've used you many times before, but you have used me too! You and your brothers and your celestial games!"

"I didn't mind you using me then."

"Oh my fucking God!" He yells. "Snap the fuck out of it! Do you hear me? I want you! You're supposed to be with me and I fucking want you!"

"Why? You only ever want me around if you need me for something. What the hell do you need Dean?"

"You, dammit! I need you! It's fucking always been you! Before the souls, fuck it, even before the Stull… I think I knew it after I saw you stick with the broken and miserable version of me in 2014."

"That version of you sent me to die there."

"Because that version of you fucking made him promise he'd never leave him there alone! As broken and miserable 2014 me was, he cared about 2014 you enough to make the freakin' hardest decision of his life!"

"You left to live your apple pie life after the Stull." I counter calmly, but there's nothing calm about the storm of emotions raging through me.

"Well what the hell was I supposed to do?" He growls. "You were the freakin' angel of the lord, for crying out loud! And you were twitching with want to go back to your feathery home. Was I supposed to ask you to stay?!"

"I was miserable Dean. From the friend who kept telling me I was his family, I stupidly expected a glance back my way."

"You could have said something…"

"And when was I supposed to do that? During your baseball practices? Or when you were mowing the grass or having barbecues with your new friends and family? Don't get me wrong Dean, I'm glad you had a chance at a normal life, a bit of peace along the way, but don't you stand here and tell me you actually needed  _me_. Because what you actually needed all along was an angel's help and any angel willing to help you would be fine by you."

"And you know that how exactly?" He all but barks at me

I stare at him for few long seconds and the take deep breath.

"I've been through this already. I have no interest in discussing it again."

"Well maybe if you had actually bothered to speak to  _me_ , you wouldn't have to do it again!"

"I don't want to talk about this anymore."

"Fine, then shut the hell up and listen." He agrees and I groan. "That year in Cicero… I wanted to call you, ok? Every day I wanted to… But you said you had to take care of your family and Sammy… He made me promise I'd try to live a normal life and I wanted to, you know, try. For him, for me… And it was… peaceful. So I just shut everything else out of my life and tried to do it right. I had to check on you, you're right about that. And I'm sorry I never did. But you had to come to me, do you hear me? How could you have gone to Crowley and not me? Why the hell do you always go to someone that's not me?"

"I didn't want to take that life away from you. That day I came to see you… I thought that was my last day, because I could have never kneeled before Raphael. I wanted to see you before I went back and… You seemed at peace and I couldn't bring myself to take it away after all that my family and I put you through. I told you many times – you deserve to be saved and at that moment I thought that was your reward."

"It wasn't. It was never meant to be, I just can't live that life, I'm not suited for it. And anyway even when I left Cicero, you still lied to me. You lied and hid how bad it was up there from me and fought your goddamned war alone… Dammit, Cas! After Sammy got his soul back and after I thought you got rid of Crowley and everything… I thought I'd tell you then. I was actually looking for a way to tell you then."

"Tell me what?" I ask confusedly and he stares at me in disbelief.

"You still don't get it?"

"What don't I get, Dean? What the hell are you talking about?"

"You're supposed to be with me, ok? I wanted to tell you that you are supposed to be with me. As in for good, alright?"

"Why?" It's all I can muster.

"You're gonna make me spell it, aren't you?" He rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably. "You spent two days with Sam - didn't you get enough of this touchy – feely?"

"It rubbed on me." I tell him with the small smile. "Besides, it's not me doing the freakin' sharing."

"You're an ass! I wanted to tell you… Jesus freakin'… I wanted to tell you I need you as in really fucking need you and want you to be around for good. Here! Now do you want to hug it out and braid my hair while I grow lady parts?"

I just can't help but chuckle.

"You suck at this even more than I do, you know that?"

"Fuck you!"

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you went and did that! The whole lying, manipulating, dealing, wall breaking and soul sucking thing! I was so fucking scared for you! Pissed, hell yeah, but scared shitless. And then you went and died on me…"

"I had to do that Dean. I'm sorry about it, I will never be able to atone or redeem myself, but I had to do that."

"Would you do it again?"

"I wouldn't want to. But I would do it if it still was the only way to stop Raphael, to save you."

"Why?"

"Because if I can help it, if I can do anything at all, I'm not gonna watch you die." I tell him fiercely but then smile a little. "You see, I have this… thing for you."

"Then why don't you believe I have a thing for you?"

"Because it's an angel thing."

"You're not an angel anymore. You no longer have it?"

"I told you, it'll always be you and I for me."

"Then why the hell do you keep leaving me?" He asks desperately and then before I know it his arms are around me and he's kissing me again. How could I have ever thought this thing I have for him does not involve attraction? I slide my arms around his neck and tread my fingers through his short hair, pressing him closer to me and licking my way into his mouth. The taste of him, raw and hot and sweet overwhelms me and I have to catch myself short of moaning into his mouth. I pull back.

"Dean." I breathe and he rests his forehead against mine.

"I don't want to fucking dance around this anymore." He mutters and I can't help but wonder how amazing it is to be so close to him, to share the air between us. "You're supposed to be with me."

"I want to believe you." I tell him.

"Then why don't you, Cas? I want you with me, as in always ok? Why is it so hard for you to believe?"

"You didn't want it before and I… I just don't know."

"Dammit, if anything, I should be thinking you don't want me!"

"How'd you figure that?"

"Let's see - I went through purgatory looking for you, but you left me and stayed there. Then I asked you to stay with me after you got out of there, but you pulled away again. I asked you to stay with me after the tablet thing, but you left on your own again. And then you turn up bloody and beaten and I'm so freakin' pissed at you for always leaving me! And the next moment you're gone again… And now… It's been months Cas, months that I ask you to come home, but you always refuse. Instead, I come to find you and you fucking have a boyfriend! So tell me Cas, where do I fit in?"

"Everywhere. You're freakin' everything to me." I tell him and for the first time ever I kiss him. It's a small kiss, just a brush against his lips, but he sighs contentedly.

"This is some seriously touchy – feely crap…"

"Tell me about it. You just went fifty shades of chick flick on me." I grin.

"Did you just make a reference? I'm so proud of you, you're all grown up!" He chuckles and kisses me again. "Though I gotta ask, did you actually read the freakin' book?"

"Do I look like middle aged housewife or hormonal teenage girl to you?" I frown and he grins. Crap, it really can't be healthy, the way I love seeing him smile.

"Nah, you look like a nerdy ex-angel with ridiculous but still somehow hot t-shirt."

"If that was supposed to be a compliment, it leaves to be desired."

"I don't do compliments." He says somewhat proudly. "I don't do chick flick too."

"Yeah, right." I snort.

Dean still holds me in his arms when he looks at my eyes for a long moment.

"Come home with me." He asks quietly.

I stare at him for a while longer and then smile.

"I'm home Dean."

"Come on Cas!" He growls and I hurry up.

"With you I'm home. And I will go with you and stay with you and be home with you."

"And your boyfriend?"

"I don't know, I kind of think you wouldn't like him to come with us. He's a bit possessive you know, it might put a strain on things… But if that's something you'd be interested in…" I drawl teasingly with the smirk and I swear he hisses at me. "I will break it off."

"So you and me?" He smiles.

"And Sam."

"Gross, man!"

"Couldn't agree more." I laugh and then kiss him fully and thoroughly until we're both dizzy with need for each other. Why the hell did it take us 7 years to get here when it's so freakin' fantastic? Dean slides his hands under my t-shirt and I arch into his touch. My fingers are threading his short hair and I'm whimpering silently at the feel of his hands on me. He slides his mouth down my throat, nipping at it, licking and biting gently and as he latches his tongue at the hollow of my throat I pull back panting loudly.

"No… No." I mutter.

"What's wrong?" He asks startled, his eyes wide, pupils still blown with lust.

"I can't…" I mumble even though all I want is to shove him up against the wall and finally have him. "Not yet, Dean. I have to break it off with Nick first. I'm gonna be enough of an ass to him without cheating on him too."

"Dammit, your boyfriend…" He groans. "Yeah ok, break it off first."

My hand slides to the back of his neck and I pull him in for one more kiss.

"Dean…" I breathe into his mouth.

"I get it, I get it. You break it off and then I'm not letting you out of my sight, ever again. You're with me." Dean mutters against my lips and I smile. Yeah, I couldn't agree more.


	10. Epilogue

_12 months after the angels fell_

"Guys." Sam clears his throat and I jump back, breaking the kiss. Dean rubs the back of his neck uncomfortably and even in the darkness of deserted alleyway I swear he blushes. He's freakin' adorable.

"You should walk louder." I tell Sam with the grin.

"We're on the job!" He rolls his eyes. "Cas, you're millennia old ex-angel, not a hormonal teenager, for crying out loud!"

"Hey, back off." Dean groans, but then grins. "I'm just that hot, ok?"

"Yeah, or Cas is just mentally impaired for having fallen for you!"

"Someone's bitchy today." I drawl.

"Someone just wants to get the job done." Sam whines, but I can see he's wearing one of his patented bitch faces. I love that guy!

"So tell us, what did you get from the good doctor?" I ask. We're working on a case that most likely involves god of fear Phobos. We managed to stop Nammu's followers at the last moment, but before we knew it, someone was trying to resurrect Phobos! There's always something on this side of humanity.

"He said the victim's heart literally ruptured from fear. Dammit, what's with all the gods?"

"It's about the balance Sam." I tell him calmly. "There's a void with no angels and no god left and it has to be filled, otherwise demons will tip the scale to their end."

"Why can't they all just leave us in peace? As in all of them – gods, demons, monsters…"

"Angels?" I ask silently and feel Dean's fingertips brush against my hand.

"No." He growls and Sam does look somewhat apologetic.

"Don't worry. Besides, you've been to the universe where there's nothing except humans. From what I've heard, you were a douche with a big house and alpacas for pets there." I laugh and Dean smirks beside me. "Although I gotta say, I would've liked to meet that Jensen guy…"

"Hey!" Dean scoffs indignantly. "That guy was just a painted monkey pretending to be me! You've got the real deal."

"That I do have." I look at Dean's eyes warmly.

"Guys, seriously…" Sam scowls before we indulge in our epic staring.

"You're a pain in the ass, Sam." Dean mutters. "Fine, let's go stop the freakin' god of fear. I suppose you should go to the library, check what there is about that god and his resurrection then and Cas and I will question the family of the dead guy."

"Dean, I think I should better go with Sam. There's much more use of me in the library – I'll be able to find things faster than Sam can think of them."

Dean looks at me for a second. I know he doesn't like letting me out of his sight on the hunt, but he knows I'm right.

"Yeah, ok." He nods finally. "Let's meet at the diner in three hours."

"Sam, look away. There's gonna be a brain bleach moment." I tell him with a smirk and Sam rolls his eyes and walks away. I pull Dean into my arms and kiss him. He usually shies away from this thing we have in public, but the alleyway is empty and dark and he gives in. I run my tongue across his bottom lip and he parts his lips slightly to let me in. Dammit, do I like the taste of his hot and wet mouth!

"Be careful." I tell him releasing him and he smirks. "Aren't I always?"

I just roll my eyes and then go catch up to Sam and bump him with my shoulder.

"So tell me, what gives?"

"Don't know what you're talking about." Sam says moodily and I roll my eyes at the second brother.

"Come on man! What's with the grumpiness?"

"It's nothing. Just want to get the job done."

"Hey, aren't you the guy who needs to talk about everything? Talk!"

"Fine! It's just… It's kind of stupid. I mean I'm glad Dean and you… solved your differences, you know? You both really seem happy and all… And I know it's a honeymooning phase, but lately you two are just constantly in each other's faces!"

"You miss your brother." It's not really a question. I should've known, of course he does, they are used to being just the two of them.

"I know it sounds like I'm a biggest jerk…"

"No, it doesn't. It's ok, I get it."

"And it's not just Dean, you know? It's you too. I mean you're my best friend and we used to talk about things, but now it's like I'm in a way for you two all the time."

"Listen, how about this – Allie and Jake have been badgering me to come visit and I really want to go. I'll take off for couple of days, spend some time with them and you can spend some time with Dean. Do your brotherly thing." I smile. "And then once I'm back, you and I can hang out. There are movies I'd like to see that I know for sure your brother would abhor."

Sam looks at me for a second and then grins slightly.

"Sounds great. I mean I'd really like some time with Dean. Not too long though, he's driving me crazy, especially when you're not around and he's worried. And there's this movie – Samsara – I want to watch and think you'd like it."

"Yeah, ok. Anyway, just so you know, you're never in a way for Dean and I. I swear I'll kick your ass if you ever tell anyone I went all sappy on you, but man – you're my best freakin' friend and I love you!"

Sam looks at me for a second and then before I can wriggle away, he hugs me. I just sigh.

"Dammit Sam, how the hell did you grow up to be this oversized ball of feeling being raised by your father and brother? Seriously, the first time I wanted to hug you, we agreed it was just weird, remember? What the hell happened to you?"

"Shut up." He grins releasing me. "So is everything ok with you and that brother of mine?"

"It's awkward to talk to you about these things, you know?" I tell him and I let my thoughts drift to a total of three freak outs we had in the matter of last three months. The first happened not even two weeks into our… what is it? Relationship? Thing we have?

/\/\/\

It was the second time we got ourselves a separate room and we were lying in bed, dead at night, tangled with each other. We've done things with our hands and our mouths, but not the actual sex yet.

"Have you ever?" I asked him silently, brushing my lips along his jaw. "Been with a guy, I mean."

He was silent for a long while and I thought he wouldn't answer. He didn't pull away though. Finally, he said.

"Twice. It was long time ago and not the best experience for me."

"You don't have to, but if you want to talk about that, I'll listen."

"I'm not Sam." His lips twitched with the ghost of a smile.

"Well that's a relief. Otherwise I'd be very confused as to what the hell am I doing naked in his bed and how am I going to tell you…"

"Don't even think about it." He growled and I kissed him. Once I released his lips we were silent for a long while again. Finally he started talking.

"The first time was just after Sammy left for Stanford. I was… It was hard, you know? I was so used to taking care of him that when he left I just felt… useless. My father… He said it was my fault, he said I should've done a better job raising that kid up and then he wouldn't have left me. And I was… I guess I just wanted to believe him, because Sam did leave me. It was never about dad, he was never around and… Anyway. That night I had a fight with dad over Sammy once again, he was drunk and yelled and… I got out, went to the first bar, got shitfaced and picked up the first willing dude. I was young and stupid and really I just wanted to do something my father would be pissed about. I just wanted to get the hell out of his hold and so… I was very drunk, don't even remember everything. I woke up with a killer hangover and a stranger dude in bed with me. It hurt all over, but the craziest part was I just hated myself for having done that, for having disappointed my dad. So I left and tried to put it past me.

And then the other time… It was just after I told Cassie about the hunt and she decided it was too much to bother with. I knew this was likely, you know? I was an always pissed sort of guy with nothing to offer and this big secret hovering above me… So she left and I… I guess I just wanted to forget everything and not to be that guy anymore. I chose freakishly bad way of doing it, when I think of it – got drunk like hell and bent over for a random guy in the bar's bathroom stall. I remember it being really, really bad and… I didn't do it ever again." He finished and closed his eyes. I looked at him with the feeling of dread coursing through me.

"So let me get this straight, both times you were with men, you did it as a sort of rebellion and punishment to yourself? Dean, have you ever been attracted to a guy?" I asked him as calmly as possible.

"Obviously." He smiled and tightened his grip around me. I started pulling back.

"Except me. Have you ever been attracted to someone who's not me?"

He frowned slightly and felt a ball of ice settling in my stomach.

"Dammit, dammit…" I groaned untangling myself from him and sliding off the bed.

"What…" He started to ask, but I cut him off.

"I'm so fucking sorry, Dean. Dammit, I should've known, I'm so sorry." I muttered pulling my pants on and looking for my t-shirt.

"What are you talking about?" He asked confused. "What are you doing? You're going somewhere?"

"There's nothing you wouldn't do for family, is there?" I asked him silently. "I should've known there was no way this is what you want."

"What the hell dude?"

"You're giving me this, aren't you? It's your way of keeping people you think is family around, isn't it? You give them what they want."

"Cas, you're not making any sense. What's happening? What are you talking about?" He asked me getting out of bed. He took couple of steps towards me and I stepped back.

"Stop Dean. You don't have to pretend anymore. I should've known and I'm sorry, but you really don't have to anymore."

"Cas, you should better start making sense any time soon or I'll kick your ass. What the fuck?"

"This. This thing…" I told him waving my hand between us. "It's really just for me, isn't it? You don't want this, do you? It was just the way to get me come back – you gave me what I wanted. But I don't want it this way, ok? I'm fine with being your friend Dean, I won't go anywhere, I won't leave just because you don't want me this way. I can be your friend, it's ok."

He stared at me for what seemed to be a very long time and I understood there just wasn't much more to say. So I looked around for my freakin' t-shirt, but as soon as I turned away from him, he spun me around and backed me into a wall, pressing his still naked body against me.

"Are you fucking kidding me? Have you completely lost your mind?" He growled. "I had your dick in my mouth not ten minutes ago! You fucking idiot! I do a lot for my family, but I don't do that!"

"Dean, you don't have to…" I started, but he cut me off smashing his mouth to mine. He almost forced his tongue into my mouth, his hands gripping me tightly, leaving marks on my hips. When he finally released me, I was breathless and he was panting.

"You think I'm faking this too?" He asked grinding his hard cock against me. I shuddered and before I could stop myself, my arms were around him again. I kissed him, desperately wanting to believe it was real. "Dammit Cas, why is it so hard for you to believe I want you? Why do you keep making me say this sappy feeling crap?"

"Sorry… I just… There's nothing I can give you anymore." I muttered resting my forehead against his.

"You're giving me this, you fool. And I fucking want you, ok?" He asked me pulling back and cupping my face in his palm.

"Yeah, ok." I nodded and he chuckled silently.

"Way to freak out over nothing, dude! Seriously, never pegged you for a drama queen…"

"Shut up." I groaned. "It's just hard for me to believe you'd want me."

"I've wanted you for a long time now. You really don't see yourself clearly, do you?"

"And who do you think I got that from?" I asked with small smile.

"Shut up, lose the pants and come back to bed, it's freakin' late."

He climbed back to the bed and scooted over, making room for me. I shrugged off my jeans and boxers and slid to the bed. He covered us both with the blanket and then before I knew it he rolled onto me, pinning me to the bed. His naked body slid perfectly against me and I sighed with relief. The feeling of his body, so hard and strong and hot against me was still more than I could process. He lied there for a few moments, without moving, silently watching me through his half lidded eyes. "You're everything I want." He finally muttered and started kissing me, slowly, deliberately, with the sense of unwavering purpose. I ran my hands down his sides, resting them on his hips for a moment, before cupping the perfect swell of his ass and grinding us together. We both gasped at the sensation and I used this to slide my tongue into his mouth. I spread my legs wider and he slid between them, the friction making us both moan into each other's mouths again. He trailed his lips down my jaw line to my neck, nipping at the skin there and finally biting into my shoulder. I bucked at the sensation and he licked the mark he left. I noticed he liked to mark me, leaving bite marks on my body or sucking droplets of blood to the surface of more sensitive skin. He moved down my body, kissing and licking and sucking all the way down to my hips. We've only done this couple of times, but I knew by then he was strangely fond of my hips – he licked and bit and marked every inch of them until I couldn't hold it in me anymore.

"Please… please…" I begged thrashing, straining to get his warm mouth on me. He chuckled silently and moved to nip and lick the insides of my thighs, the soft crease between my legs and my groin. Finally, fucking finally, he mouthed at my balls, his mouth warm and wet and it felt so impossibly good…

"Dean…" I moaned his name not trusting myself with anything else, because I might as well have started telling him just how much I feel for him.

"Right here…" He muttered and then licked a wet, slow swipe along the underside of my straining dick. "It's so fucking hot the way you moan my name."

"I can moan the freakin' oath of allegiance if that makes you stop teasing and get on with it!" I groaned and he chuckled. I grabbed his arm and pulled him up, the friction of his body sliding against mine making me groan again. I kissed him then, slowly, thoroughly as if trying to memorize every nook of his perfect mouth. It's absurd really, I know his mouth better than I know my own. I flipped us over and now I was straddling his hips while my mouth travelled down his shuddering body. I slid between his legs, spreading them, making room for me and giving me access to him. The sight of him on his back, spread like that, his eyes half lidded, but watching me intently, his mouth slightly open, spit slicked and plush, his cock straining for the touch, sent delicious zing down my body to my balls, but I tried to ignore it, tried to concentrate on him, getting the responses I needed from him.

I didn't go for ridiculous teasing, I just didn't have it in me to delay any more. Instead I lowered my mouth on his cock, sucking in the head and swirling my tongue around the way I know drives him crazy. And sure enough he moaned loudly at that, bucking his hips up slightly, trying to get in. I put my hands on his hips, holding him in place as I sucked him in deeper and deeper with every slide of my mouth. It was slow and tantalizing, but I didn't want to rush this. I love the feeling of his throbbing, heavy cock in my mouth, I love the heady smell of musk and sex and something so distinctly Dean and I love the taste of him, bitter, but also sweet beyond the usual meaning of sweetness. He put his hands into my hair holding me, or maybe just holding himself through the shudders and thrashes of his body and I let him fuck my mouth. I released his hips, letting him take control, while I slid my hands under him, my fingers inching closer to the sensitive skin of his hole. I brushed against it and stilled, giving him chance to shrug away but he just moaned louder simultaneously trying to fuck my mouth and buck into my fingers. I pushed my index finger in then, just a little, still letting him decide.

"God, Cas, go on!" He groaned and it was all I needed. I worked his hole open for me with my fingers – one at first, working it deep, pulling and stretching the muscles slowly, carefully. When he was loose enough to take two, I simultaneously did that thing with my tongue and pushed in the second finger. And the response I got from him damn near got me off! He almost mewled my name, his hips jerking almost uncontrollably. He pulled his legs up, giving me more access, spreading wider and I moaned around his cock at the sight of him losing control beneath me.

When I felt he was loose enough, I finally bent my fingers brushing across the spot deep in him. He shouted then, broken words, my name maybe, or maybe a curse. I don't think he knew himself. I brushed against it one, two, three more times and he shuddered and thrashed, whimpering loudly.

"Stop, stop…" He finally uttered and I pulled away at once.

"You don't want…" I started a question, but then cut myself off. "It's okay, we don't have to…"

He looked at me as if I had gone insane and then pulled me into a hard kiss.

"I just don't want to come before you're actually in me…" He muttered between kisses. "Come on, I want you in me."

I smiled relieved and he actually rolled his eyes. I got up, went to my duffel bag and dug out a bottle of lube. He arched his eyebrow with a smirk and as I shrugged we both chuckled. Yeah, we still communicate better without actual words. I settled between his legs again, popped the lid open and poured generous amount of the stuff on my hand. He looked at me transfixed as I stripped my cock, coating it and then pushed three of my fingers back into him. I brushed against his spot again and he let his head fall back onto the pillow, moaning loudly. I positioned my self at his entrance, pushing slightly before stilling, letting him change his mind. He threw me a confused look and then urged. "Come on, Cas, I want to feel you."

I gripped his hips then, holding him in place as I pushed, slowly, but relentlessly until I was fully in. He panted and winced slightly and I stilled once again to give him time to adjust. It took pretty much all I had in me to stay still at that moment, because seriously, there's nothing – and I've seen a lot, I can tell – there's nothing as arousing as a man you really want spread wide and filled up in front of you.

Finally I started moving again. Shallow thrusts at first, looking for the best angle to hit that spot again, to make him writhe beneath me. I knew I wouldn't be able to keep it up for a long while – I had felt my own orgasm building in me already, but I worked hard to keep it at bay, to take care of him first, to make him feel this doesn't have to be painful or unpleasant or shameful or whatever else it was before. I took his cock in my hand and started pumping it in sync with my thrust into him and before long he was actually writhing and keening in front of me. I could see it building in him - his pupils dilated, his hips started bucking and he was fisting the sheets frantically. I sped up thrusting deep and hard now, hitting his spot with my every thrust.

"Cas…" He drawled my name into five syllables as he tensed up, his back arching, and came shuddering and clenching around me, spilling over our stomachs. I concentrated on working him through his orgasm, stroking him slowly, gently, but still thrusting into him with every move of my hand. Finally I released his cock, gripped his hips tightly and let myself concentrate on feeling him around me. I sped up again, thrusting deeper and harder until finally with two last thrusts I came groaning and spilling deep inside him. He pulled me down then for a soft, languid kiss and I pulled out carefully, before collapsing into his arms. I looked at him then and I know the look on my face was expectant, curious. He stared at me for a few seconds and then chuckled.

"Dammit, Cas, if I'd known it was gonna be anything like that, I'd have had you fuck me the first day I met you!"

I laughed relieved and pleased and ridiculously overjoyed at that.

"And would that have been before or after you tried to kill me?"

/\/\/\

"Hello! Are you still in there?" Sam bumps me with his shoulder and I shake myself out of that memory.

"Sorry… You were saying?"

"I asked if everything was ok with you two… Jesus, where did you go just now? No, scratch that, I really don't want to know."

I chuckle at that.

"No, you probably don't…"

"Argh…" He wrinkles his nose. "So?"

"We're good. It's surprising really just how good we are. I mean I keep waiting for the other shoe to drop and I think he is too, but… It's been good."

"Hey, aren't you the one who said good things do happen?" He asks me with a smirk.

"Nah, must be an uptight, pain in the ass, trench coat wearing angel you're confusing me with!"

"You're an ass."

"Now that's more like it!"

"You know I think I'd like to be there when you tell Dean you're going to see Allie and Jake – I'm sure he'll be thrilled to know you're going back to where your ex is!"

"I'm not going there to see Nick. You know it didn't end well, he wouldn't want to see me."

"Well, you can't really blame the guy – there he was, waiting to go for a romantic getaway with you and you stroll in and tell him it's over. And that's after he asked you if you two were cool for how many times?"

"You just have to rub it in, don't you?" I groan. "If you think I don't still feel like shit for what I did, think again."

"Sorry, didn't mean to."

"Yeah, yeah… I'd like to see Nick though. I owe him some decent apologies, you know? I mean he didn't really let me explain things when I told him I'd be leaving with Dean and I do owe him some serious explanations… Not the whole truth, obviously, but a decent part of it, at the very least."

"Well, what is there to say? You're in love with my brother and went to live with him."

"Again with the love, Sam! I haven't even told Dean that yet…"

"Why not?"

"Well for one – he'd freak out." I grin. "I mean he can't even bring himself to admit we have a relationship yet."

"What do you mean? You're always in each other's face!"

"Yeah, and I know he's in this too. I mean he shows me in his own way this is important to him, but whenever someone as much as mentions this thing we have, he literally balks. It'd be hilarious, if it wasn't a bit annoying."

"I've noticed he's edgy whenever someone else is around, but I never thought… He's being a dick, isn't he?"

"No, it's just… I understand it's hard for him to accept this, but with every day the meaning of 'dirty little secret' is clearer to me."

"Hey, I'm sure it's not like that. Dean's just… He's stubborn, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. And it's not like I'm not messed up too. We've both got a lot of crap to work through… And anyway, it's all good, really, he has this very particulate way of letting me know it's important to him." I chuckle at Sam's frown. "And no, I don't mean the kinky stuff. He just… he doesn't really know how to use words, but he knows how to use actions. Small things really, like getting my coffee in the morning when I'm grouchy or letting me use the shower first because I'm still not used to being cold and he doesn't want the water to run out on me. Or the way he always seem to feel when I'm restless and he just looks at me and I calm down. Yeah… It's important to him. Which is awesome considering I'd take this thing we have any possible way." My thoughts drift back to the second time I assumed I knew how this thing worked.

/\/\/\

We were at the bar. We just finished one of the nastier hunts and after having showered and scrubbed all the slime from our tired bodies, all three of us agreed we deserved some normalcy. And for Dean normalcy meant pool and bar and beer. So obviously we went to the bar. After a few rounds of beer and relaxed conversations that involved a lot of teasing for all three of us, I noticed something amusing.

"Sam, I think that woman there is kind of picturing you naked." I grinned at him expectantly and I swear he did blush! Dean chuckled beside me.

"Yeah, Sammy, you should go for it! To think that here, in a middle of nowhere you finally found someone who'd prefer you over me!"

"Oh shut up!" He growled, but he did smile back at the woman. Not two minutes later he was walking to meet her while Dean not so discretely told him 'good luck!'. Apparently, she did like him though, because she ignored Dean's comment and soon they were laughing and drinking together.

"It's good to see Sammy like that, you know? Relaxed and enjoying himself."

"Yeah, I know." I agreed. "You both should have more fun."

"All three of us, you mean. You're in this too."

"Hmm, I suppose I am." I agreed and brushed my knuckles across his hand lying on the table. He didn't pull away, but I saw him tense and I backed off. "Anyway, I'm gonna grab more beer, you want some?"

"Nah, I'm good." He said and I left for the bar. I talked to a barman for few minutes and got my beer, but when I looked back at our table, Dean was sitting there talking to some woman. Well, flirting was probably better word, given that she had her hand resting on his arm and he was grinning at her. So I just stayed at the bar and talked to the barman some more. He happened to be an owner and he got that bar from his father. Family business, he said, but from the way he spoke of it, I knew he actually loved working there, loved the fact that it belonged to him. He told me some stories from his childhood, what growing up in a bar was like while I nursed my beer. I don't think it was long before I felt Dean slide on the stool beside me. I looked at him surprised, but before I could ask, he cocked his eyebrow at me.

"What's taking you so long?"

"You were busy, I didn't want to interrupt." I smiled at him.

"What do you mean? You wouldn't be interrupting."

"Come on Dean! I distinctly remember you muttering something about my cockblocking abilities back when I was falling."

He gaped at me for few seconds before asking me slowly.

"So let me get this straight – you stayed here so I could have a go at the chick there? As in hit on her and probably get laid?"

"Well, isn't that what you wanted?"

"So you're fine with me bringing her back to the motel?" He asked in that careful tone.

"I'd appreciate if you got a separate room, but yeah, that's the idea." I nodded at a loss as to why he was acting so weird.

"Are you fucking kidding me?" He hissed under his breath and suddenly I was being dragged out of the bar. As soon as we were out of sight of everyone, he pressed me against the wall and kissed me roughly.

"Dammit, Cas! What the hell?" He growled, but he didn't release me or step back.

"You've got to be more specific than that, Dean." I told him. "What did I get wrong this time?"

"Why the hell are you ok with me sleeping around?" He asked a tad desperately.

"I had no idea I get to have a say in the matter. It's your life Dean and I know you. It's always been like this, I don't get why you should change."

"For fuck's sake! After everything I kind of thought you'd be all for being exclusive, as stupid as it sounds!"

"I am not planning to sleep around." I clarified, because I thought that was the problem.

"Yeah, then why are you ok with me doing that?"

"It's not like I want you to, but I figured you'd do it anyway, so why should I get in the middle of that? I don't want you to lie about it."

"Cas, listen to me," he started and then kissed me, "I might suck impressively at this thing we have, but even I don't suck that much. You've got to stop assuming! I looked for you for almost a fucking year and dragged you back and trust me, none of this was so I could screw around! This," he kissed me again, "this is real and I don't plan on fucking it up. I will probably do so in one way or another, but dammit, I'll try and do anything not to, ok?"

"So you're saying… Are you saying I should expect you not to screw around?" I asked him.

"Yes, dammit. I'm not going to screw around."

I smiled at him and in that moment I realized just how relieved I was. It was all good and shiny to tell myself I would be ok with that, but honestly – how could I be? I freakin' wanted him for myself! So I kissed him, again and again until we heard someone walking out of the bar. I pulled back, but before I released him, I muttered.

"I'm freakin' happy about this, you know?"

"Then why the hell didn't you just say it? We're both in this, man! I would fucking kick your ass for screwing around! Damn, I wanted to kick your ass for flirting with that barman there!"

"Hey, I wasn't flirting, just talking! Besides, if flirting is off limits too, then you have to work on yours."

"Yeah, I wasn't… I'm not saying… I mean some harmless flirting never hurt anyone, right?"

I chuckled and pushed him towards the bar again.

"Yeah, alright. Now let's go back find that moose of the brother of yours and I can go back for some harmless flirting with the barman."

"Hey!"

/\/\/\

"How about this – you go to Ancient Greece section and look for Phobos and Deimos. I'm sure Deimos will show his ugly face in this too." I tell Sam as we enter the library.

"Deimos? As in god of terror?"

"Yeah, they were kind of a package deal back in the day. Twin brothers, you know. In the mean time, I'll look up Ares. He was their leader and the only one they actually respected. Insolent fools…"

"Did you actually know them all?"

"Not in person. Ancient Greece was not my favorite by far. The only thing worse was Ancient Rome although the deities of course remained the same, all they did was change the names to be more… politically correct." I chuckle. "Anyway, that period of time was full of contrasts. Your species learned a lot during that time, evolved immensely. But for every Socrates, there was Aristogeiton, for every Seneca, there was Nero. It was a horrible time, filthy and cruel. I would have never considered falling for that humanity – there was very little kindness in it, just the base carnal desires and the first specks of brilliance of the mind."

"Whoa…. Well, I never thought I'd say that, but for the sake of humanity, I'm glad the whole apocalypse thing only happened now."

I laugh silently at that.

"The gods that spawned during that time were at fault too, of course, but…"

But I never finish that thought, because at that moment I see a man striding purposefully towards us and I freeze.

"You!" He hisses. "You are still alive! How dare you be alive?"

"Sadriel." I finally manage, but I don't try to defend when his fist hits my jaw at full force. I can feel a coppery, sickeningly salty taste of my blood filling my mouth and my head rings, but I don't try to back away. Sadriel hits me again splitting my eyebrow, before I see Sam bristle and shove him back.

"What the hell!" He yells, but Sadriel's focus is on me. He ducks under Sam's arms and punches me in the gut. I could easily block him, I could hurt him. I could actually kill him. Sadriel has always been a diplomat; he was never really a soldier. His hits are inefficient, flawed in many ways and really just too obvious, but I don't try to defend myself, instead I keep my hands down and let him attack me. It's Sam who catches him and shoves him back again. And before I know it, he's holding his gun, aiming at my brother.

"No!" I splutter through the blood and aches and I fling myself between Sam, and Sadriel. Sam stares at me in shock while Sadriel is momentarily frozen.

"What the fuck, man? Get out of the way!"

"No, Sam. There will be no more blood spilled." I turn to Sadriel. "Brother…"

"Don't you dare calling me that! It's your fault! You ruined us! You and your grandeur and your ignorance and your humanity!" He shouts at me and I lower my head. He is right, of course. This is my fault. I murdered part of my family and helped cast the remaining ones from heaven.

"Sadriel…" I start again, "I shall not fight you. I wish you no harm and should you find me alone, I will not defend. But brother… Don't let this anger rule you. Even though I deserve to be killed by your hand, you don't deserve to become a murderer."

"If I was the one holding the gun, I'd kill you in the heartbeat!"

"I know and I understand."

"Cas!" Sam hisses.

"As it is, my friend is holding the gun and he shall not permit you to harm me, regardless of what I say." I continue staring at Sadriel. His face betrays the rush of emotions running through him. He's angry and righteous and most of all he's hurt. "Brother… There is nothing I can do to be absolved or redeemed and I will pay for my sins in the Lake of Fire for eternity. Don't let your soul to be damaged too for someone as unworthy as me."

Sadriel stares at me for a long time and I can see he's thinking about what I said. He's not a fighter, he never will be.

"There is no forgiveness for you Castiel, no redemption and no absolution." He finally says. His voice is steady and unrelenting as he uncurls his fists. "You are lost forever."

With that he turns and leaves. In the year I've been human, I never felt more like breaking. My hands are shaking and my head is pounding, but it's the ache somewhere deep in my soul – and do I have a soul? – that unravels me.

"What the hell was that, Cas?" I hear Sam growl, but I can't even look at him now.

"I have to go." I mutter sauntering away. But it's Sam and he grabs my arm and spins me around. I don't know what he sees in my face, but he hides his gun and a second later he's hugging me again. I sag against him. It's weak and pathetic and I know it, but in that moment I can't find it in me to refuse the comfort he's so willingly giving me.

"Come on, man. He's just scared, you know? It must be difficult for him to be so human… But you didn't do this, Cas. It was Metatron, not you! I know they want to blame you, it's easier to put the blame on someone real and right here, but you can't take it."

"Stop Sam, just stop." I choke out. Dammit, I'm fucking breaking down here.

"No, you'll listen to me Cas. You and Dean, both of you are always carrying all that crap on your shoulders. You screwed up, alright! With those souls and godhood, you screwed up! But you have been punished enough! And you did all you could to make things better. It's not your fault that Metatron is a bitter son of the bitch who took his daddy issues on all of you!"

"I should've…"

"No! You did what you felt was right and you were trying to save your family, regardless the cost. He fucked you up! It's on him and not you! You can't just lie down here and die because he screwed you over!"

"But…"

"No, dammit! It was not your fault! Do you hear me? It was not your fault!"

I pull away and look at him. Look at the kindness in his face, at the care in his eyes.

"For this humanity I'd fall again." I tell him with the attempted grin. My face protests in sharp pain against any sort of the smile. For a diplomat Sadriel's right hook was suspiciously too painful. Sam gives me a small smile.

"Come on, let's go back to the bunker, patch you up a bit."

"Nah, it's ok. We still need to look for Phobos and I'm fine. I'll just go to the bathroom to clean up."

"You sure?"

"Yeah, all good." I tell him.

"Alright. But if you go and disappear on me, I'll kick your ass!"

"I won't, I promise." I tell him and remember the time I made the same promise to Dean.

/\/\/\

I woke up in the middle of the night, startled and disoriented. It took me some time to drag myself from the nightmare I've been having and realize where I was. That night was one of those nights when all three of us shared the room. Sam was not feeling too good, probably getting cold, and both Dean and I wanted to keep an eye on him. I was sleeping on the couch, alone, and as usually when I was sleeping alone, I dreamt. That night I had one of the worst nightmares since coming back home. It started as one of those horrible ones where I kept killing Dean and then morphed into the one I was still high on souls. I made Dean hurt Sam in it… I woke up as I was forcing Dean's hand to strike the lethal blow.

I still felt feverish with it, soaking with sweat but still chilled to the bones. There was no way I was getting back to sleep that night, no way in hell. So I got up, padded silently to the bathroom and got dressed. Both Dean and Sam were sleeping peacefully and I knew they really needed sleep, so as not to wake them I silently slid out of the motel room. I walked outside, sat on the porch in front of the motel and just waited for the morning to come. I suppose some time at night sleep got to me, because the next thing I remember was Dean shaking me.

"Cas, what the fuck are you doing here?" Dean growled at me, still shaking me.

"I suppose I was sleeping." I croaked trying to shake him off. "I'm not anymore! What's wrong? Why are you freaking out?"

"Dammit! Don't you disappear on me like that!" Dean groaned and slumped beside me still clutching fistfuls of my jacket.

It took me a moment to realize what happened. I pulled him into my arms then and rested my chin on his shoulder.

"Dean…" I breathed. "You thought I left again."

"Well what the fuck was I supposed to think? I woke up and you were not there!"

I rubbed soothing circles on his back and held him firmly against me.

"I'm right here Dean. I'm not leaving you again."

"What are you even doing here? What's wrong with the couch?"

"I just had a nightmare and I thought… I just needed some air, that's all."

"Jesus, Cas! How many times do I have to tell you – you have a nightmare, you come to me."

"You needed sleep. Besides, I'm not a child, I'm perfectly capable of doing this on my own."

"It's not about being capable, dammit. It's about…"

"It's about you wanting me in your sight all the time." I cut him off. "Dean, I'm not a two year old in the supermarket, ok? I won't get lost just because you look the other way once in a while."

"Fuck you, Cas. It's not about that."

"No, it's about you not trusting me."

"I trust you with my life. I trust you with Sammy." He hissed.

"Yes, but you don't trust me with my life. And you don't trust I won't go away."

"Well, your track record is not exactly clean, now is it?" He sneered and I pulled back at once. "Dammit, it's not what I meant."

"This is exactly what you meant." I sighed tiredly. "I will not leave you again. Whether you believe this or not, I will not leave."

"Cas…"

"This is enough, Dean. I think there's nothing else to be said right now."

"Jesus, I want to believe you, ok? I fucking want to! But it's…"

"It's fine. I suppose you were overdue for a freak out. After all, I had mine."

"Very funny…" He growled and tugged me back into his hold.

"It just takes time, doesn't it? You're going to find me here, with you, every time and eventually you'll stop thinking that I will leave again. You'll have to get a new reason to freak out."

"If you think I enjoyed it, you're thoroughly mistaken. Fine, I freaked out, but damn, you're not leaving again!"

"I promise you, I won't leave again." I told him seriously and I kissed him. The fact that he didn't push me away, even though we were outside and it was morning already, just showed me how shaken he was not to find me. "Let's get back inside before you freak out over PDA. I don't think you can handle two freak outs at once."

"Shut up." He growled, but he didn't let go of me as we walked back to the motel room. "How do you even know what PDA is?"

"Allie." I grinned and latched on the chance to distract him, make him forget the whole thing. "You wouldn't believe how much absolutely irrelevant information women store in their heads… Seriously, I had to sit through countless stories about celebrities, shows, trivia and all that crap!"

Dean laughed.

"Why? No one would make me listen to what Brangelina is up to!"

"The fact that you know what Brangelina is says a lot about you… And anyway, you don't have female friends. They grow on you, you know? You don't even notice how the comfortable silences in the library morph into comfortable conversations about books, then suddenly TV shows, celebrities, people you've never heard of until you find yourself thinking you are fully converse on the subject of Charlie Sheen's breakdown on Two and a Half Men…"

"You know what, a year ago no one would have made me believe you were capable of saying the last sentence and mean it!"

"A year ago no one would've made me believe I'd get to have sex with you. Things change." I laughed and he chuckled with me. "Anyway, in long afternoons at work, especially when it was slow, few regular readers and that's it, Allie, Jake and I spent hours sorting the books and speaking about the insignificant things. And it was way better for me than having to dodge questions about my life before I came to work there. So I encouraged Allie to tell me more about those things and Jake was hopelessly infatuated with her, so he listened too. That is until Nick came along."

I felt Dean's hand tighten on my back at the mention of Nick, but he kept his face impassive.

"Why's that? Did he have a problem with you two?"

"No, but he did have a problem with Allie and Nick. Allie met Nick first, they dated for a while before she introduced him to Jake and me."

"Wait, wait, wait! Are you saying Nick was Allie's boyfriend? Dude, that's messed up!"

"I know." I said simply. It was messed up, no denying it.

"How did you even go from being millennia old virgin one day to stealing a boyfriend from your friend the other?" Dean scowled.

"I didn't steal Nick." I frowned. "They broke up before anything happened between us. And to answer your other point, I wasn't a virgin by then. And besides, just because I never felt need to fornicate before, doesn't mean I didn't know about it. You can hardly think you were the first one to try to get me laid."

"Wait, what?" He stared at me, eyes widening.

"Have you met Balthazar?" I asked. "Seriously, do you think he never tried? I had to endure countless attempts, countless not so subtle 'accidents' and occasions he fabricated to get me laid."

"I knew he was a slimy bastard!" Dean growled. We were standing at our motel door, but neither of us wanted to get in just yet.

"He was certainly very determined. Whorehouse you took me to was the most innocent of places I've been courtesy of Balt."

"Seriously?"

"Dean, I met Caligula once." I told him shuddering at the memory.

"Whoa! Was he really that bad?"

"Worse. He was… I thought he actually was a demon. He wasn't, not then anyway, but you can imagine. Balthazar thought it was amusing, how the hairless apes succumbed to carnal pleasures and pains. I thought there was no species I could despise more. Needless to say I didn't go on any trips that weren't strictly missions with Balt for a very long time."

"Then why the hell were you so freaked out that night?"

"Because that was the first time I actually considered the possibility."

"Really? Why? What changed?" He asked curiously and I looked at him for few moments.

"Before… Before I fell, I never felt any real need to connect to anyone in any way. I was part of the host and the host is perfect. You don't feel anything in the host because you are and you live everything. I know it sounds weird but… Look, you don't go wishing for one more kidney – you have two already and they are perfectly capable of doing the job. You wouldn't even think of wanting one more, because seriously – why? It's similar with the host – you have everything there and you are everything. I never could understand Balt's fascination with human desires, because I couldn't relate. Did I ever tell you that they only send very few angels to Earth? Only the ones that are completely balanced and show no inhibitions. This is because in the view of the higher ranks of the host, Earth and humanity in particular is an infection to the angels. Angels that show any indication they could be affected by emotions, are never allowed down here. I was a perfect example – I've been on Earth countless times, I had to endure Balt's games and yet I never showed any inclination I might actually care. And I really, really didn't.

That was one of the reasons why Zachariah sent me to find you in the pit. He knew I couldn't be affected – I was one of his best soldiers." I laughed bitterly at that. "Proved him wrong, didn't I?

Anyway, after all that, after I met you and rebelled, after I fell… I still didn't really feel the need or strictly speaking desire to have sex, but I was curious. You made it sound exciting and I… Well, I suppose I wasn't as opposed as I was before. Regardless, it still felt wrong and I didn't want to go through with it in the end.

In the next couple of years I didn't exactly have time for anything except the war and the battles and you know… Besides, there were you.

But after the angels fell… I had nothing holding me back anymore. I had no god, no host, no you. And it all just happened so naturally, you know? I had to start speaking to people, because I simply needed to work to get some money. I was hungry – it was as easy as that. Three days of not having anything to eat ease you up a little, so I went and talked to people and found a job. Then long silences in the library started to be punctuated by some meaningless conversations with people I worked with. Finally I made friends. And eventually I thought – what a hell, I'm human now. Having sex seemed to work pretty well for you when you wanted to forget the crap you've been through so I thought I'd give it a try, since drugs was not an option. You were right."

Suddenly Dean wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer to him. Our foreheads touched and I breathed in a slow, steady breath to calm myself.

"I'm glad you got a chance to experience this humanity on your own, but… I spent months worrying you might be hurt, or hungry or plain dead… I'm not good at this, but dammit Cas, you are important to me, ok? As in really. I know you managed just fine on your own, but I don't want you to manage on your own." And with that he kissed me full on the mouth. Surprised as I was I still melted into the kiss, pressing hard against him, enjoying his reckless attention more than should be possible. "I'd like to fuck you senseless Castiel. Fuck you until you're sated and incoherent, fuck you until you can't physically get away from me." He whispered into my ear.

My breath hitched at that but I grinned.

"You always do." I told him. "And I'm not going anywhere."

And we kissed again. I knew it was stupid to wind each other up like that when we had Sam sleeping in our room, but honestly, I couldn't have cared less.

/\/\/\

It takes us more than three hours to sort through the documents and books in the library. Sam called Dean to let him know we were not going to make it to the diner and they agreed to meet back home. Yeah, we all have home now.

I look up from my stack of books when Sam comes over.

"We got to go home, man." He mutters yawning. "It's late and I'm beat."

I stretch and flinch at the aches in my stomach and face.

"Yeah, alright. I think we got all we could anyway. It really is Deimos and Phobos this time…"

"Just our luck, I suppose."

When we come back to the bunker, Dean is already there. Both Sam and I grin at the smells coming from the kitchen. Dean thinks he cooks better than he actually does, but there are things that he can make that are absolutely amazing. And from the smell of it, tonight we will be having his beef stew – which is doubly awesome because it's really good and we won't be subjected to his more questionable concoctions.

We head to the kitchen to find it in the usual state of post-disaster disarray with Dean's right by the stove, stirring feverishly.

"I think I burned it a little." He admits in dejected voice before turning to us. He notices my bruises and in a second he's right up in my personal space, cupping the side of my face.

"What happened? Are you alright?"

"I'm fine, Dean." I nod. "Don't worry."

"Then what happened?" He asks again frowning.

"It's nothing. Family meetings, you know how they go…" I grin trying not to show how affected by Sadriel's hate I still am.

"You met your brothers?"

"Not only did he meet his brother," Sam frowns, "he apparently has decided to serve as a punch bag to him!"

"Sam." I mutter.

"What?" Dean asks.

"Apparently your boyfriend here has decided to let his brothers have a go at him if any of them wants to! He wasn't even trying to defend himself!"

Dean narrows his eyes at me and I sigh.

"I'm not going to hurt any of my brothers ever again."

"Dammit!" Sam hisses again and then turns to Dean. "Maybe you can smack some sense into him, because seriously, he jumped in front of the gun I pulled out to help him!"

"Sam, can you look over the stew?" Dean asks unexpectedly. "I'll handle this."

He grabs my hand and pulls me out of the kitchen. We go to my room and he closes the door behind him. I expect him to start yelling and I brace myself. It's never easy to fight with Dean, but this is something I know I'm going to win, because there's no way in hell I will ever hurt my brothers. Dean sits on the bed and I sit beside him.

"I understand." He says simply and I gape at him.

"You do?"

"Yeah, I do. I understand guilt. After you got me out of hell… And to this day, really… I will never torture anyone. You forced me once and it was worse than I thought it would be. It was… I hate myself for what I did in hell and who I was in hell. I don't want to be that person anymore and I... I just understand why you won't defend,"

"Thank you. I really need you to be with me on this and so… yeah, thank you. But… I have to say this - Dean, what you did in hell is incomparable to what I've done in my own free will. It's not about what you do in hell, do you understand? Hell is what is done to you. You survived hell, it's victory, not a sin and not a crime. You survived and yes, you came out of it changed and different, but… Dammit, I don't know how to use words to tell you this!" I growl frustrated. Why the hell is it so much easier to talk to Sam? "Look, when I said you deserve to be saved it was not just words or concepts. Dean, you deserve to be saved." He shifts uncomfortably at that, but I hold onto him. "Listen to me, what I saw in hell the first time I saw you, was not a demon, not a sinner, not… With every cut you made on that soul you tortured, your own soul rippled with pain and horror. You didn't choose this, do you understand? It was just one more way for Alistair to torture you – he made you believe you were weak, he made you believe you chose this and you enjoyed this, because he knew that hurting people is the worst he can do to you! It was his torture on you, do you hear me? It was not what you did, it was what happened to you. This is how hell works – it strips you bare of all your defenses and all your walls and uses what's underneath to inflict the most pain on you. Your biggest fear is losing Sam and hurting people – in hell you have already lost him and so the only thing Alistair could do to you that was worst than pain, was make you hurt them."

"Cas… just stop, ok? I just can't…" His voice breaks and I cup his face in my palms.

"You deserve to be saved and you deserve all the good things that happen to you." I tell him firmly and he closes his eyes.

"And what about you then?"

"You can't compare us. I don't deserve what I have now, but I'm selfish enough to hold onto this anyway."

"It's… Cas, it's a load of crap." He says finally. "Look… Yeah, you fucked up. Dammit, you fucked up royally, but you know what – you've been punished enough, ok? The soul stunt you did – it sucked and you were wrong to do it! You were wrong, but you didn't know it would turn out as bad as it did. All those brothers you claim you've killed – you didn't do it on your own free will as you say. You did it while high on souls! I know you think it's just an excuse, but it's not – you would've never done it if you weren't high on souls. Yeah, Balthazar is on you, it had nothing to do with souls. It is your fault and you have to live with it every day – it's called regret and you are damn full of it. But the rest… You screwed up, but you never wanted them to die, same as I never wanted to torture. I did it because I had to, because I was broken. And you did it because you were broken. And that's not even the point – the point is that you have been punished already and you still are punishing yourself. And it scares the crap out of me, because if you can't forgive yourself then… You'll always put your head out and I just can't… Dammit, I just can't lose you again!"

"Dean…"

"No, Cas." He cuts me of and takes a deep breath. "Look, I understand that you won't hurt them again, but that doesn't mean I'm gonna let you roll over and die. I will kill whoever tries to hurt you and there's nothing you can do about that. I am not letting you martyr yourself because you're feeling guilty and worthless. You're not worthless to me and I'm keeping you. This… This thing we have… It means everything to me and I will keep it no matter the costs, you hear me? So why don't we just try to stay away from your siblings and you know… live."

I smile at him tentatively.

"Yeah, it sounds like something I could do."

"Good." He nods and kisses me. And then it seems he just can't let go, because he kisses me again and again until we hear Sam shout from downstairs.

"Guys! Enough of the drama, come here to eat!"

We both chuckle and he starts standing up, but I catch him.

"Hey, there's more." I tell him and he looks at me worriedly. "Look, I've got to tell you something, but you can't freak out. I mean it's nothing… You just can't freak out, ok?"

He frowns then.

"Jesus, what is it?"

I fidget and rub the back of my neck. I never thought I could get so nervous.

"It's nothing big, but… Look I've been meaning to tell you, but I wasn't sure how you'd take it."

"Spit it out Cas. What the fuck is going on?"

"It's nothing bad, really. And look, you don't have to do anything about it. I mean, it's not a big deal, I just don't want you to freak out, that's all."

"Cas goddammit, you're not making it better! What the hell did you do?"

"I didn't do anything, it's just… It has nothing to do with you anyway… Well almost. It's something I… Ok, I'm going to tell you this now, but just remember you don't have to do anything with it, just don't freak out, it's not a big deal."

"Oh my freakin'… What the hell is it?!" He yells.

"I freakin' love you."

There's a long silence between us. He gapes at me, mouth slightly open, eyes wide. I look right back at him for what seems an eternity. Finally, I just can't take it anymore.

"As I said, it's not a big deal." I mutter quickly. I know I shouldn't have said anything, but dammit, I do love him. "It doesn't change things, I just thought I'd let you know, is all. Um… I think we should go downstairs, Sam's waiting."

I stand up and I'm almost at the door when he catches up and turns me around.

"This is how you tell someone you love him?" He asks silently, pressing me against the door with his body.

"Well it's not like I have a lot of experience on the account." I mutter defensively. "I only ever told Sam I love him and let's face it – he wasn't prone to freak out."

"You what?" He splutters. "You're actually telling me you told my brother you loved him? Right now? After you just told me you love me?"

"This came out weird, didn't it?" I grin.

"You can say that again."

"Look, I meant what I said – it doesn't change anything and I really don't expect anything from you, ok? I didn't mean it as a burden, I just wanted you to know this is important to me and you know…"

He presses his forehead against mine then.

"Ok."

"Ok." I echo and we're kissing again, slow and easy.

"Guys, seriously!" We hear Sam yell and we chuckle into each other's mouths. He pulls away then.

"You know, I think I'll move my stuff in here tonight." He says unexpectedly and I look at him. "I don't remember when was the last time I slept in my room anyway and it makes sense we share this one rather than mine – at least it doesn't share the wall with Sam's room."

"I think he'll appreciate that." I nod with a chuckle.

As we walk out of the door, he takes my hand and twines his fingers with mine.

"I'm keeping you." He mutters blushing slightly and I smile. This is more than enough.

/\/\/\ THE END /\/\/\

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just one last thing - I'm incredibly happy you stayed with me through this story, hope you liked it and hope you love destiel! Of course, who am I kidding - what's not to love? ;)


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